Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know for the first time in years I woke up this morning and didn’t contemplate suicide. Normally, it’s me on the porch in my rocking chair watching the sunrise with a bottle of Jack and my nine. But after hearing that Paris Hilton is planning to leave the states for good I’ve gained a new outlook on life. I no longer consider birds chirping to be the voices inside my head, I look at bottles and think they’re half full, and I checked myself out in the mirror for the first time since Nixon was impeached from office and thought…I’d f#@k me. According to the Showbiz Spy,

“Paris Hilton is planning a permanent move to London.
The hotel heiress is currently in the British capital filming her new TV show Paris Hilton’s My New BBF (British Best Friend). And she is ready to leave Hollywood for good and settle down in the UK.
She told friends, “I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. I have already been here for one month and am much, much happier here.
“I love guys with English accents. I have met a really cute English guy, but it’s early days.”

Somebody break open my piggy bank, I’m going to Vegas! Time to ride Lady Luck to the promise land, bitches.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well Lindsay Lohan and her special lady friend Samantha Ronson (who reminds me of Pat) were spotted on the beaches of Los Cabos, Mexico. The two played Scrabble, spin the bottle, and discussed whether or not now was a good time to admit they’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. My dog is gay, and I love him like the son I’ll never have.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve suspected it for years. People kept wondering how a woman could be so vulgar, so powerful and so addicted to sex. But the answer was always simpler than they ever could’ve imagined…Madonna IS a man. That’s right, she’s got a pair of balls the size of New Mexico. They have their own orbit. King Kong was ashamed of himself after seeing them. Did I mention Madonna is a man?? OK, good. Anyways, Madonna and her man bits just started the ‘Sticky and Sweet’ Tour (not making that up) in England. The tour will go for several months or until the sponsors realize they just had sex with a man and pull the plug. And by ‘plug’ I mean concert you sickos.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
There are a few constants in my life. My need for gratuitous shotgun blasts. My hatred of douchebags getting laid…period. And my love of tits. Specifically, side boobs in this case. Audrina Partridge has done to me what General Patton did to Rommel’s tank army. She read my book. Seriously, if I were to give a play-by-play book on how to stay on my good-side, then excluding the use of shotguns and or providing an endless stream of cotton candy Audrina is perfect. She completes me. She sets my loans on fire. And anyone who knows me well knows that’s a privilege. An honor fit for the god’s, so to speak.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
We’re in the midst of another epic summer out here in LA and you know what that means–CELEBRITY ROTISSERIE TIME! It’s like roasting a hot dog without all the guilt. And Miley Cyrus was so gracious to provide us with her company. The only thing this picture is missing is a slew of ewoks and a famous person I actually give a sh#t about. But this will have to suffice for the time being. Happy middle of the summer everyone!