Katie’s transformation almost complete: Scientology Bootcamp

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Darby Gunpowder:
Bootcamp. The word alone conjures negative feelings. Fat people go to bootcamp, shit-head kids go to bootcamp, convicts go to bootcamp…Katie Holmes goes to bootcamp. This can only mean one thing: the ounce of human left in her is trying to escape the evil spell put on her by the Scientologists. She’s rebelling.

Here’s how I think it went down:
Poor Katie went bat-shit crazy when she found out she was being shipped off to Xenu Bootcamp. The “others” gagged-n-bagged her and shot her full of Clorox Bleach to induce coma. After duct-taping her lifeless, half-human body to a dolly, she was carted off to a waiting vehicle disguised as a plumber’s van.
The interior of the seatless van is covered in newspaper clippings, hair and finished crossword puzzles. There is a doctor present. When they finally arrive at the compound under cover of nightfall, there are men waiting outside dressed in potato sacks, and Nixon masks (not affiliated with our Bob “the bitch”). The men dropped their flaming torches to once again restrain Katie who is projectile vomiting from the Clorox-come-down. A quick needle to her neck does the trick.
Oddly, the compound has no visible front door, but the group vanishes into the fog. The only lights coming from structure are from tiny, frosted windows in the cellar. The only sound is muffled Xenu-jibberish.
Katie wakes. Slurring her speech, she asks the lone guard for water -she gets a boot to the face. Darkness.
The duration of her stay at bootcamp consists of electrical shock therapy, water torture, strobe lights and hourly quizzes about all 26 stars and 76 planets of the Galactic Confederacy -except Teegeeact, or as we know it, Earth. No need to learn about the planet they are leaving soon.

36 hours and no food or sleep later, she has passed Zenu bootcamp. As Katie is carted back out of the compound, still slightly zombified, she passes a room where she sees her beloved daughter Suri with 2 men in black lab coats. They make eye contact, but Katie is too weak to speak and closes her tear-filled eyes. Suri is silent and remains expressionless.
Suri watches Katie being loaded into the plumber’s van through a window. She turns to the men and asks, “Targentram vernagjgas erresx sinlotandrerv?” The men nod yes to the question and secure the wig back onto Suri’s head, covering the screws. Suri half-smiles.

For more Tom/Katie/Suri Scientology bullshit – Click Here

Katie’s transformation almost complete: Scientology Bootcamp

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Darby Gunpowder:
Bootcamp. The word alone conjures negative feelings. Fat people go to bootcamp, shit-head kids go to bootcamp, convicts go to bootcamp…Katie Holmes goes to bootcamp. This can only mean one thing: the once of human left in her is trying to escape the evil spell put on her by the Scientologists. She’s rebelling.

Here’s how I think it went down:
Poor Katie went bat-shit crazy when she found out she was being shipped off to Xenu Bootcamp. The “others” gagged-n-bagged her and shot her full of Clorox Bleach to induce coma. After duct-taping her lifeless, half-human body to a dolly, she was carted off to a waiting vehicle disguised as a plumber’s van.
The interior of the seatless van is covered in newspaper clippings, hair and finished crossword puzzles. There is a doctor present. When they finally arrive at the compound under cover of nightfall, there are men waiting outside dressed in potato sacks, and Nixon masks (not affiliated with our Bob “the bitch”). The men dropped their flaming torches to once again restrain Katie who is projectile vomiting from the Clorox-come-down. A quick needle to her neck does the trick.
Oddly, the compound has no visible front door, but the group vanishes into the fog. The only lights coming from structure are from tiny, frosted windows in the cellar. The only sound is muffled Xenu-jibberish.
Katie wakes. Slurring her speech, she asks the lone guard for water -she gets a boot to the face. Darkness.
The duration of her stay at bootcamp consists of electrical shock therapy, water torture, strobe lights and hourly quizzes about all 26 stars and 76 planets of the Galactic Confederacy -except Teegeeact, or as we know it, Earth. No need to learn about the planet they are leaving soon.

36 hours and no food or sleep later, she has passed Zenu bootcamp. As Katie is carted back out of the compound, still slightly zombified, she passes a room where she sees her beloved daughter Suri with 2 men in black lab coats. They make eye contact, but Katie is too weak to speak and closes her tear-filled eyes. Suri is silent and remains expressionless.
Suri watches Katie being loaded into the plumber’s van through a window. She turns to the men and asks, “Targentram vernagjgas erresx sinlotandrerv?” The men nod yes to the question and secure the wig back onto Suri’s head, covering the screws. Suri half-smiles.

For more Tom/Katie/Suri Scientology bullshit – Click Here

Tom Cruise steps between Posh and Katie. Calls timeout

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John:
Daily Mail reports that Tom Cruise is blaming Victoria Beckham for Katie’s shrinking waistline. Victoria is on a strict 900 calorie diet. Since Katie views Posh as a role model, Tom is laying down his pimp hand. It’s rumored that Tom is cutting Katie off from Posh a little at a time.
Somebody tell Ike Turner to slow his roll. Xenu is about to impose intergalactic jihad so what difference does it make if the wife wants to shed a few pounds and let the bones poke through?

Casting Call: Tom Cruise’s wife

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By now you’ve all heard that Tom Cruise actually set up a fake audition for a fake movie to find a real wife. There were strict guidelines: “the girls had to be A-list, single, pretty and in their twenties”. This, I cannot argue with. He started with the cream of the crop and invited, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, and Scarlett Johansson to the “audition”. Garnar and Alba smelled a rat and declined the invite when they finally stopped laughing. Scarlett accepted, but later freaked out when she found out the audition was at the Brainwashing Scientology Center in Hollywood. After watching a ball-dropping episode of Dawson’s Creak, Cruise extended the wife invite to sweet little Katie Holmes, and you all know how the rest of the kidnapping fairytale goes from there.

So what have we learned here ladies and germs? Katie Holmes was Tom Cruise’s FOURTH pick. Someone should really tell her. Here are directions to their house.

Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes stiff waitress

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David Beckham needs to teach his excuse for a wife how to tip. Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham finished their lunch date at Mondrain Hotel’s Asia de Cuba and left no tip whatsoever for their waitress. The irate waitress stormed after the aliens to presumably scalp them, but she was stopped by their bodyguards. I expect this kind of behavior out of Posh, seeing she is from the UK and mildly retarded, but surely Katie remembers tipping from back in her human days. Or maybe the pair forgot that money, in the tangible sense, still exists.