10 Reasons Tony Romo Must Break Up With Jessica Simpson

OK, I’ve had enough of this. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines while this strumpet vexes America’s team. I’ve compiled a list of scientifically accurate reasons that Romo should give Simpson the boot …for good.

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#1 Jessica Simpson is a Succubus.

suc·cu·bus Pronunciation Key – [suhk-yuh-buhs]
n. A demon in female form sent to drain the life out of men while they sleep.

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#2 Jessica Simpson is a Liar

Jessica Simpson claims to eat meat, but she actually feeds on the athletic prowess of her victims; their athletic souls. Nick Lachey said,

“Before I married Jess, I could dunk a basketball. I haven’t gotten rim in 5 years.”

Tony Romo says,

My finger hurts

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#3 Jessica Simpson will look like crap in 10 years

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#4 Jessica Simpson Isn’t Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood actually has talent

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#5 Jessica Simpson Looks Like a Garbage Pail Kid

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Kim Kardashian fancies herself as Wonderwoman

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Kim Kardashian is to Wonderwoman what Tom Cruise is to normal. It just doesn’t fit. It’s like trying to cross pollinate my left arm with a toaster oven. Just a hybrid that should never see the light of day. Anyways, it’s Halloween time again boys and girls. That special time of year where scantily clad ladies line up to meet my all my erotic desires. And just in case any of you beautomous babes are wondering what my secret fetish is this year lets just say that Mr. Ed used to be my favorite television show–wink wink. I wish all of you a barely legal and less than safe Happy Halloween. Love and kisses.

The Bitch

Taking the trash out never looked so good

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Traci Bingham may be a no talent hack but damn does she have a tit train that just won’t quit. I’ve never seen such a rudimentary chore like taking out the trash look so sexy. I mean what’s next, models that take ordinary tasks like brushing their teeth and doing the laundry and making them look as sexy as possible?…Wait…..wait a second…I smell a sitcom. Did I seriously just create NBC’s next reality TV hit show? Damn if I didn’t. But what to call such a monster hit? Here are a short list of titles off the top of my head:
-Whores and chores
-Sexy reality
-A day in the life of my wife
-Sex and the titty
-Work blows and so does she
-Sex, lies, and grocery lists
-Take out the paper and the ass
-Model This
-Strippers off the clock
-Tit-train with biscuit wheels does the news
-NAM NAM NAM
–Is it Sunday yet?

If you have anymore suggestions, by all means keep them to yourself.

Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend is straight like I’m forgiving

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Sometimes I’m surprised at my own destruction. I mean…WOW. That escalated really quickly. I was just going to make a simple statement out of the boy, but somewhere between the anvil dropping and the bloody rib cage protruding from the boy’s body I blacked out. That always happens when I’m sober. Anyways, these pics are of Justin Gaston, aka. the blowjob object of Miley Cyrus‘ affection. And in these pics the 20 year old Blue Steel wonabee can be seen getting drunk with his other male model friends. Now call me old fashioned, but prancing around half naked and drunk with your model friends comes off just a tad bit gay, don’t you think? But maybe that’s just because I like women. I guess that makes me biased, right. Sorry, I’ll start drinking immidiately.

Kim Kardashian denies plastic surgery rumors with pederastesque photo

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Darby Gunpowder:
Kim Kardashian posted the above photo to disprove all the rumors that she had plastic surgery. I can’t remark on the photo one way or another because she is 14 years young in the pic and I can’t risk going to jail again. If I dare mention her adult-sized chest or her bikini bottoms that could double as a Borat onesie -I may go to prison. Here’s what Willy said in her blog about the breasts I can’t talk about:

I HAVE NOT EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

I am definitely not against it at all, but haven’t yet had it! Personally, lip injections are the thing I would never do—even if I didn’t have full lips.

I think lip injections look very fake and bad and I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone with stuff in their lips—so I wouldn’t do it to myself.

This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!

All the butt implant rumors are just so not true and now just silly to me. I have answered dozens of times “no I do not have butt implants,” but people just don’t seem to want to believe it!

I have always had an insecurity with my nose… People also have assumed I have had a nose job, but I have not! I look exactly the same as I did when I was a kid, except my nose has grown a little. I hate the bump on the side of my nose, but am way too afraid to mess with my face!

Sure Kim. We found your cheerleader photo taken the year before. Can you say liposuction?