Kim Kardashian attends Alba’s baby shower

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John:
Somehow, Kim Kardashian got herself invited to Jessica Alba’s baby shower. She brought Alba’s baby a gift from her own clothing line, Smooch. A lot of thought went into that one I’ll bet. I’m sure Alba was happy to have Kim at the baby shower in the way that baby seals are glad to have Great White sharks at their baby showers. Just a lot of fun for everyone!

Kim Kardashian thinks doing Playboy is ‘Inspirational’

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
While doing an interview with Larry King last Friday, Larry asked Kim Kardashian what her thoughts were on doing a Playboy shoot. Kim’s response, in a word, “inspirational.” The best part about it was she actually kept a straight face while on camera and in front of her whole family. She went on to call her sex tape ‘innocent’, and to point out that her ass is ‘small.’ Meanwhile, I went on to call clown shoes ‘sophisticated’ and to point out that this post was the greatest thing since Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa.

Oh, and my STD…’liberating.’

Kim Kardashian shopping for light bulbs is parody nirvana

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John:
Kim Kardashian went shopping for the necessities at Rite-Aid today because her maid called in sick and the backup maid was in Cabo. Her personal driver said, “Yeeaaaah, that’s not really my area.” And so it went. You’ll never see this happen again. Ever. Our sun will die and implode on itself before you see this again. She clearly has no clue what she’s doing and I’ll bet if you asked Kim what a gallon of milk costs, she’d say, “I dunno’, a fifty spot?”

Kim Kardashian at a lingerie party. I’ll be a motor boatin’ son of a bitch

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John:
Know this, if Kim Kardashian goes to a lingerie party, I’ll be there. Kim was modeling at a lingerie party for Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin a.k.a Best Party Thrower Ever Ever. Kim changed outfits at least three times over the evening and looked amazing. Also with Kim (below) is Aubry O’Day of Danity Kane and Pussycat Doll Melody Thornton.

P.S. If anybody gives me crap for throwing up the rock-n-roll quotes just know I’ve already beat myself up over it enough. I don’t need your shit.

Guess who Kim Kardashian idolizes?? Big surprise here…

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Ok, so that wasn’t much of a real question. Of course great big asses think alike. They stick up for one another. Asking why Kim idolizes Jennifer Lopez is like asking a grenade why it likes explosions. Or asking a mustache why it loves Burt Renolds. They’re just meant to be thought of in the same sentence. And as a psych minor myself I can point out that similar looking people generally..drumrole please…..like to associate with similar looking people. It’s why hot chicks hang with hot chicks. Jocks with jocks. And it’s probably why I admire anyone that is shorter than me. Because just like J-Lo’s ass makes Kim’s ass look ‘not so fat’, shorter people make me feel less like a dwarf.

It’s science.