Derober

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John:
Let me tell you a little something I learned about people who put five things in one hand, they’re suspect. If you have more than three things in your hand at any given moment you just can’t be trusted. (I’m looking at you X-girlfriend Lisa Strayer.)
Samantha Ronson returned to LA after a short DJ gig in Montreal. Sam is hosting the launch party for Trent at Pink on Wednesday night. It looks like these two might take it to the next level and get a cat or small dog or something. Just a guess. But that’s what it looks like to me.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Lindsey and her newly proclaimed girlfriend, Samantha Ronsen, were seen out and about in NYC with her younger sis, Ali.
Now I’m no gynaconologist, but I can smell a lesbian a timezone away -and Lindsey Lohan is far from it. I know everyone craves the box from time to time, but this kind of conversion so late in the game is reckless and unreasonable. It’s one thing if you switch teams for Petra Nemcova or Rachel Bilson, but Samantha Ronson sits the proverbial butch-bench.
For those of you who are thinking, “Who the fuck is Samantha Ronsen?” Click Here to find out. One need only look at the cockticulous picture on her wiki-page -it speaks volumes.
On a side note to all the ladies out there: I’m no fashion guru, but I know what sucks and these girls’ outfits suck sweaty sticky summertime balls. Don’t do that.

In case you missed it: Lindsey Lohan is not only a lesbian, she is a mannequin.

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John:
Lindsay Lohan and her ‘girlfriend’ Samantha Ronson continue their European love-in. By the looks of Lindsay’s new gut, she’s almost achieved Euro-trash status. She has reportedly stopped brushing her teeth and shaving her armpits in order to complete the Euro-transformation.
I saw Lindsay this week on Ugly Betty. She had one line with Betty on a playground. It was the most the director could get out of her before she chugged a bottle of Smirnoff and soiled herself. Lindsay was unavailable after the lunch break.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the beach, Ali and Dina Lohan reared their ugly heads. The two fame leaches visited Malibu beach today in hopes of stealing some of Lindsey’s press. But no one steals from Lindsay. Rumor has it Lindsay is forming a counter strike as we speak. We don’t know many of the details but apparently a call was made to Kim Jong-Il and an alliance is brewing.

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Darby Gunpowder:
For everyone who cruised into work today feeling like they had drank a little too much over the weekend, you’re not alone -Lindsey HoHan was seen jack-hammered drunk at a club in NYC. It’s about time grandma got her groove back on. According to People magazine, one source at the club says HoHan was,

“tossing her hair around and doing full-body-rolls – even throwing her hands in the air.”

Her cocktail of choice was the usual Greygoose and Redbull, but judging by her hair-banging and jaw-nashing, Derober will deduct that she encountered a blizzard of coke at some point in the night. And what on God’s good-green-earth is a “full-body-roll”?! I don’t know if I’m more furious at Lindsey for doing full-body-rolls, or the fact that some douchbag (or douchebagette) used the word full-body-roll in a sentence. And do you believe Lindsey threw her hands in the air…that’s insane!