Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the beach, Ali and Dina Lohan reared their ugly heads. The two fame leaches visited Malibu beach today in hopes of stealing some of Lindsey’s press. But no one steals from Lindsay. Rumor has it Lindsay is forming a counter strike as we speak. We don’t know many of the details but apparently a call was made to Kim Jong-Il and an alliance is brewing.

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Darby Gunpowder:
For everyone who cruised into work today feeling like they had drank a little too much over the weekend, you’re not alone -Lindsey HoHan was seen jack-hammered drunk at a club in NYC. It’s about time grandma got her groove back on. According to People magazine, one source at the club says HoHan was,

“tossing her hair around and doing full-body-rolls – even throwing her hands in the air.”

Her cocktail of choice was the usual Greygoose and Redbull, but judging by her hair-banging and jaw-nashing, Derober will deduct that she encountered a blizzard of coke at some point in the night. And what on God’s good-green-earth is a “full-body-roll”?! I don’t know if I’m more furious at Lindsey for doing full-body-rolls, or the fact that some douchbag (or douchebagette) used the word full-body-roll in a sentence. And do you believe Lindsey threw her hands in the air…that’s insane!

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Arturo Bandini:
Lindsay Lohan went out clubbing last night at Villa in West Hollywood. She’s been admitted to three time already. We looked it up in Guinness and there is no current category for ‘most rehab visits’ so we’re naming Lindsay the new record holder.
Lindsay also has her eyes set on another record, that of Matthew McKnight. McKnight holds the record for “Greatest Distance Thrown in a Car Accident” in the book’s 2008 edition. McKnight holds the record because he lived to tell about being thrown 118 feet by a car that hit him while traveling about 70 mph.
Look out, Matthew. There’s somebody in your rear view and she’s comin’ up fast.

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Out of work, but not out of ideas, actor Lindsay Lohan has really begun to get desperate. In her upcoming $75,000 role as a nymphomaniac waitress (that’s a stretch) in the Indie film Florence, Lohan offered to give up the goods. Or to the laymen, she offered to show full frontal nudity in hopes of rekindling the flame that was once a career. But the producers had other ideas. Softpedia reports:

She just wants to remind people that she can act and she’s worth hiring.” Also, the source reports that although the script only requires LiLo to show her boobs, she offered to go all the way down and strip completely. “She said it would be no problem to go Full Monty,” added the insider. Thankfully, the producers refused to go along with her very helpful offer.

Wow. That’s a new low. When the producers are telling a woman to keep their clothes on you know there’s something really f#%^ed up with that person. Enter Lindsay Lohan. She’ll make you an offer you CAN refuse. Lohan never should have done that Marilyn Monroe topless shoot. It took away that crazy curiosity that all men shared and replaced it with a lackluster, “Ehhh.”

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
While at a photo shoot in Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan was spotted wearing her traditional black leggings. Same old story, right? Well, not quite. If you observe Speciman A you will notice a regular human body from the torso up, however, upon closer examination you can see two tree trunks where Lindsay’s legs should be. Those things are huge. You could beat a grizzly to death with those. If she stepped on your toes you could kiss walking again bye-bye forever. But in all seriousness–I love Lindsay ‘Brick-house’ Lohan. Keep on clomping.

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