Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
On the set of her new movie My Career is Over: First Blood Labor Pains yesterday, Lohan demonstrated why women should never swing bats–it just looks funny. Apparently, the integrity of this film is stout seeing as they actually let Lindsay wear her own leggings for the role. I can only imagine the costume department is actually one washed up old bag they keep locked in a porta potty. The crew brings her out and points to people to which they either get a thumbs up or down approval from Gretta. They’d get rid of her but she’s part of a union and people generally like the scent of moldy cookies that she emits.

As for Lo-Dog we can only hope that we see a real upshirt from her in the movie because why the F#ck else would anyone ever watch her pretend to play a sport. As if Herbie Fully Loaded wasn’t bad enough. Watching Lohan play baseball would be like watching a hemorrhoid grow.

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John:
Let me tell you a little something I learned about people who put five things in one hand, they’re suspect. If you have more than three things in your hand at any given moment you just can’t be trusted. (I’m looking at you X-girlfriend Lisa Strayer.)
Samantha Ronson returned to LA after a short DJ gig in Montreal. Sam is hosting the launch party for Trent at Pink on Wednesday night. It looks like these two might take it to the next level and get a cat or small dog or something. Just a guess. But that’s what it looks like to me.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Lindsey and her newly proclaimed girlfriend, Samantha Ronsen, were seen out and about in NYC with her younger sis, Ali.
Now I’m no gynaconologist, but I can smell a lesbian a timezone away -and Lindsey Lohan is far from it. I know everyone craves the box from time to time, but this kind of conversion so late in the game is reckless and unreasonable. It’s one thing if you switch teams for Petra Nemcova or Rachel Bilson, but Samantha Ronson sits the proverbial butch-bench.
For those of you who are thinking, “Who the fuck is Samantha Ronsen?” Click Here to find out. One need only look at the cockticulous picture on her wiki-page -it speaks volumes.
On a side note to all the ladies out there: I’m no fashion guru, but I know what sucks and these girls’ outfits suck sweaty sticky summertime balls. Don’t do that.

In case you missed it: Lindsey Lohan is not only a lesbian, she is a mannequin.

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John:
Lindsay Lohan and her ‘girlfriend’ Samantha Ronson continue their European love-in. By the looks of Lindsay’s new gut, she’s almost achieved Euro-trash status. She has reportedly stopped brushing her teeth and shaving her armpits in order to complete the Euro-transformation.
I saw Lindsay this week on Ugly Betty. She had one line with Betty on a playground. It was the most the director could get out of her before she chugged a bottle of Smirnoff and soiled herself. Lindsay was unavailable after the lunch break.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the beach, Ali and Dina Lohan reared their ugly heads. The two fame leaches visited Malibu beach today in hopes of stealing some of Lindsey’s press. But no one steals from Lindsay. Rumor has it Lindsay is forming a counter strike as we speak. We don’t know many of the details but apparently a call was made to Kim Jong-Il and an alliance is brewing.

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