Derober

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John:
Lindsay Lohan went to a West Hollywood club the other night trolling for men. She fluttered about the place and found Entourage’s Adrian Grenier. Adrian was having none of it so she decided to hit on Leonardo DiCaprio. That’s like asking to borrow five dollars, getting turned down, and then asking for ten thousand instead.
Needless to say, Lindsay left empty handed. Or did she?

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Dee:
The alcoholics are Lindsay Lohan and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. The bar is trendy Villa. When two alcoholics go to a bar, the action is called ‘enabling’. They both agree to keep an eye on each other and mind their limits. Unfortunately for alcoholics, the only limit is the f*^#ing moon.
John:
I call this action the ‘clash of nations.’ Lilo and Meyers are two world-class drinkers here, Dee. These champions consider getting drunk to be an almost Olympic pursuit; neither backs down until somebody’s ass hits the pavement.

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Dee:
Everyone was buzzing yesterday about whether or not Lindsay Lohan would finally get her hands on a Razzie Award. With just a handful of shit-tastic celebrities to choose from only one would receive the praised “worst actress award” and lo and behold it was Lindsay. Lohan received multiple nominations at this year’s Razzies, but none so important as the worst actress nod for her work (or lack thereof) in I Know Who Killed Me. Razzies founder John Wilson said about the movie that it, “played like a cross between the torture tale Hostel and The Patty Duke Show.” So you know it must’ve been one special movie.

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Yeah, special. It’s special in the same way Derober John is “special” from a frontal lobe injury he received years ago when a horse bucked on him. He mostly drools and sputters sentence fragments nowadays. But we love him for his childish smile and exuberance. It inspires some of our greatest posts.

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Spears – Lohan Campaign Headquarters

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Dee:
Welcome to the Spears-Lohan Campaign Headquarters in Venice Beach, California. If you’re tired of watching boring politicians preaching reheated agendas, we’ve got the ticket for you. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are running for the highest office in the land. They are out to rehabilitate themselves and our great nation. We promise you a campaign completely devoid of substance, tact, or even spell-checking.
Each week, the Derobers will provide non-depth coverage of the candidates’ political adventures as they try to “make politics pretty again” and stay sober at the same time. Join us!

Their political party:
C.O.N. (Celebrities on Neptune)

Campaign Promises:
“To provide milk for hungry babies, hair for cancer people, and keeping illegal immigrants out of Iraq, now!”

MEET THE CANDIDATES

BRITNEY SPEARS – PRESIDENT

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QUALIFICATIONS:
-Teen pop princess at age 16
-Dated Justin Timberlake, male heir to pop throne.
-Broke up with Justin
-Denied she lost her virginity
-Married high school redneck in Las Vegas for 55 hours
-Annulled redneck marriage
-Wed redneck Kevin Federline
-Birthed a child
-Put on some lbs.
-Birthed another toddler
-Gave toddler driving lessons
-Got divorced for 2nd time
-Exposed her ‘waterslide’ to world
-Shaved her head
-Went to rehab
-Groundbreaking VMA performance on cocktail of anti-depressants
-Denied she needed help
-Denied younger sister was pregnant
-Affirmed existence of time machines
-Alienated mother
-Became former mother
-Became President of the United States of America

Lead Council: A man named Osama and not Dr. Phil

 

LINDSAY LOHAN – VICE PRESIDENT

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Qualifications:
-Commercial success with ‘Parent Trap’, ‘Freaky Friday’, ‘Mean Girls’
-Discovered alcohol, cocaine, prescription medication, and bad boys
-Once took enough cocaine with Nicole Richie to kill a pony
-Received first DUI before she was of drinking age
-Went to rehab for first time
-Days after release from rehab, arrested for 2nd DUI and possession of narcotics
-Blamed incident on friends
-Commandeered a vehicle from fellow party-goers
-Went back to rehab in Utah
-Met a redneck
-Broke up with redneck (currently shopping around nude pictures)
-Accepts award in Italy for contribution to film
-Banged Italy
-Banged Italian redneck in Italy (currently shopping around story of conquest)
-Fell off wagon in Italy
-Became Vice President of United States (and honorary Ambassador to Italy)

Lead Council: Michael Lohan, arrested twice for securities fraud, DUI, and beating up his own brother-in-law.

PEREZ HILTON – CAMPAIGN MANAGER

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When it came to choosing a campaign manager for Brit and Lindsay, nobody is more qualified than the original gangsta’ of gossip, Perez Hilton. Perez knows Britney and Lindsay better than their own mothers (and certainly their fathers.) More importantly, Perez has weathered and won lawsuit after lawsuit; beating down all comers with only a pocket-sized copy of the first amendment. Why is this important, you ask? Because this campaign is gonna’ get the shit sued out of it. These girls are the biggest liabilities since the Hindenburg and putting them together in the same room could split the atom. They needed a campaign manager who understands balance. A man with a unique brand of insanity who can control the girls when he wants, but also provoke them to new heights in personal destruction. Perez Hilton is the man for the job.

~How can I play a part?~

Buy the bumper sticker and help change the world. Where does the money go? There are one of two possibilities: Britney and Lindsay will either save all humanity or buy (a lot of) drugs. You don’t decide. Britney says, “I want to see this bumper sticker on every American and Japanese made piece of shit in the U.S.”

Click here to order Spears – Lohan Rehabilitate ’08 bumper sticker

(A portion of proceeds will benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation for cancer research)
Lindsay Lohan’s own lawyer has already purchased ten bumper stickers. We’re not kidding! He actually has! Check out the hysterical story.

Continue Reading: Rehabilitate in ’08 – Spears-Lohan for President!