Mariah Carey wears X-mas lingerie for imaginary friends

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Darby Gunpowder:
Mariah Carey flaunts a new set of Christmas lingerie every year. She admits to wearing said under-naughties around her mansion by herself (ALONE) some years as not to break tradition. This year she has her boy-toy Nick Cannon to “enjoy” her festive pop-corn string thong. According to my favorite magazine, Redbook,

I always get Santa lingerie, even if nobody sees it. But this year it will be appreciated!”
Stripping down for the holidays is apparently a Carey holiday tradition.
“[My girlfriends and I] go in the hot tub in our Christmas bikinis, then roll in the fresh snow and jump back in.”

And when she refers to her “friends, she is really referring to her homies at Spearment Rhino who raid her fridge after work. Twinkies galore!!!!

Mariah: Don’t give up your day or night job

Darby Gunpowder:
Mariah Carey hates the ground so much she launches the ball directly at it at the Yomiuri Giants v Rakuten Eagles match at Tokyo Dome on May 28. Gimme an H! Gimme an O! Gimme an O! Gimme a K! Gimme an E! Gimme a R! What’s that spell?!?!

Mariah married without pre-nup

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Even after Nick screwed her on the ring, Mariah and Nick Cannon tied the knot secretly in the Bahamas or some shit. When Mariah was asked about the pre-nup, she responded:

We didn’t have one. There wasn’t time.

That’s like saying you don’t have time to poop. Or there wasn’t time to gas up the station wagon on your road trip before the desert part. What about when you didn’t make time for water. Memba’ that?
F@#*ing retard.

Nick Cannon is soooo busted

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The indian giver proposed to his fiance, Victoria Secret model Selita with a huge engagement ring. Then after they broke off the engagement, Cannon took the ring back only to use it again to propose to Mariah Carey. I have to imagine this is the sort of shit you just don’t pull with Mariah a.k.a. Biggest Diva on the Planet.

Right now Maria is in her gold plated bathtub surrounded by an entourage of gay bff’s and toy dogs, crying her botoxed eyes out, feeling like the sloppy seconds she is.

Meanwhile, Nick isn’t picking up his cell because he’s at Ray Ray’s Pawn Shop trying to make this shit right. He can’t decide between the rhinestone or the cubic zirconium. Decisions, decisions.

UPDATE: At Derober, we asked ourselves, ‘Of ALL the women in the world today, who would be the worst one to pull this stunt with?’ And goddamn if the answer isn’t Mariah effing Carey! We just can’t stop laughing over here.

Mariah Carey is not an attention whore

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I’m sure you’ve all seen these disappointing photos of Mariah Carey prancing around the beach topless. But what you may not know is that these photos were staged by Mariah herself. Plain and simple, she wanted attention. The photo of her bending over is photoshopped to cover her boobs with her hair. Guilty.