Derober

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The old guard verse the new guard: Marisa Miller and Heidi Klum. Both will go down in history as two of the hottest, most perfect women to ever walk the earth. But, who’s hotter? Who’s the 11 and who’s the 10.5? Today we will crown the winner based on a concrete facts and mostly subjective bullshit. Let the games begin..

Who has graced the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover more times?

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Marisa Miller SI Covers:
1 Cover shot and 7 appearances

Heidi Klum SI Covers:
1.15 Cover shots and 7 appearances

Although each goddess was featured on one Si Swimsuit cover each, Heidi Klum weaseled her way onto 2 covers with a tiny thumbnail photo. Ironically, the photo is on Marisa Miller’s cover!

Verdict: The win goes to Heidi on a technicality. If we were judging by sexiness, it would be a landslide victory for Marisa who is wearing skimpy bikini bottoms with no top while Heidi is wearing an F’ing one piece. Really Heidi? A one piece?!?!?

Who sports the topless w/unbuttoned jacket look better?

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Klum: While composed, didn’t take enough risks here.
Miller: Was once quoted as saying “If you’re not willing to have your nipples photoshopped out, your not giving it 110%

Verdict: Miller by a nipple.

Who has the “better half”?

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Heidi Klum shocked the world when she married Seal in 2005. My jaw is still on the floor. Seal battled the skin condition, discoid lupus as a kid which is why his face is, uh, ehem, how it is. Heidi is obviously battling blindness as an adult. The couple can attribute their happiness to the invention of “The Clapper” -although it does make for somewhat of a strobe light effect when they are making sexy time.

Marisa Miller is married to some douchebag who calls himself Griffin Guess. The music producer, clownshoe supplier, and (obviously) love potion inventor married Marisa Miller in 2006. Since then, douchebags everywhere were given a false sense of hope. See for yourself at hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Verdict: Tie -they both lose for marrying duds.

Who wears a uniform better?

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Miller was unable to see how badly this situation called for daisy dukes. At the last second she took the lazy way out and went with jeans.

Verdict: Klum and Ferrell. Together they are a sexual superconductor.

Who dominates the runway?

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Both phillies made our guest judges weak in the knees and damp in their pants in the runway portion of the contest.

Verdict: Tie

Who rocks the body paint better?

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I don’t know how they do things in Germany, but over her in ‘merica we flaunt it if we’ve got it.

Verdict: Marisa dominated this competition for not being such a pussy. Skin to win Heidi, you know better…

Who has the sexier Fathead?

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The Derobers grew up in the pre-Fathead era. There were no Heidi Klum Fatheads in existence -BUT if Fathead would have gotten their shit together in the 90’s they would cleaned up. Instead of buying a million Michael Jordan and Paula Abdul posters, I would have bought 9 Heidi Klum Fatheads, one for each room in my house including my dog’s dog house.

Verdict: Heidi takes the W on this one because that famous pose of her kneeling down on the beach wearing a bikini 5 sizes too small makes me weak in the knees. If this Fathead were in existence, although illegal in most countries -it would win hands down. My only plea is to Fathead: Do a throwback series: Heidi Klum, Kathy Ireland, Cindy Crawford, Elle McPherson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Larry Bird, Magic, Jim McMahon, John Elway, Joe Montana, Ken Griffey Jr, Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco…you get the idea. I want 82% of sales for my obviously brilliant idea.

To purchase the Marisa Miller Fathead -Click HERE

To contact Fathead and raise hell that no Heidi Klum Fatheads exist -Click HERE

Who looks better in Victoria Secret wings?

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Klum was an innovator of the wing art. Her plumage was full and bright. But this post represents the changing of the guard. Marisa’s ability to grow real wings on-the-spot with a wingfoot appendage to boot is not only beautiful, but also a miracle of modern evolution.

Verdict: Miller for President

The Tiebreaker: Youth

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In a model’s world, youth is king. At 34, Klum is still one of the most beautiful women in the world but the 30 year-old Miller has the age-edge.

The Winner: Marisa F’ing Miller

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The Derobers solute our lovely contestants. Both Heidi and Marisa have won a trip to Hawaii with me and my friends, your treat of course. Call us to confirm your reservations… please call us, ok?

To celebrate their combined sexiness, The Derobers have also put together the 10 Greatest Klum/Miller Photos Ever Taken! Enjoy Responsibly…