Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ, Matthew McConaughey has been offered the role of Thomas Sullivan Magnum, III aka Magnum PI – in the movie version. I have a better idea: replace Matty with Michael Keaton, replace the Ferrari with the Batmobile, replace Jonathan Quayle Higgins III with Alfred Pennyworth, and replace the title Magnum PI with Batman 2. Theeeeen, I will go see this movie.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
According to The Star, Matthew Mcconaughey has come up with a great idea for the name of his new baby. A name that will go down in the annals of redneck history. He is planning to name his baby after a beer. And why wouldn’t why? But which beer you ask? Only time will tell but I’ve picked out a few names that I thought had a good ring to them. How about Milwaukee Mcconaughey, or Miller ‘High Life’ Mcconaughey? There’s also Busch Mcconaughey or my personal favorite Steel Reserve Mcconaughey. The possibilities are endless.

Any suggestions from the peanut gallery?

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It’s true -the once, ‘World’s Most Eligible Bachelor’ is gonna be a baby’s daddy. Matthew McConaughey will now pass his proverbial diaper down to a little surfer dude or dudet in about 6 months. His “super-model” girlfriend of a year, Camila Alves is the perpetrator. Matthew writes in his blog,

“Got some blessed news,” the onetime Sexiest Man Alive posted in his online journal Tuesday. “My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together. It’s 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father and shepherding him or her through this life.” Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution.”

Matty finally moved out of his mobile home into a 10 million buckaroo Malibu mansion to prepare for the science experiment baby.

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John says:
This guy has got to be one of the biggest tools on earth. I know he’s from the south. Yes, he’s probably very charming. But if i see one more picture of this fucktard on the beach, I’m going to throw my monitor through the wall. Did you hear that, Matt. Put your shirt on and find some pavement or we’re going to loose the deposit on this duplex!

Leo says:
John, we don’t have a duplex. We have a house. Matt is fine. He’s just a little rough around the edges. That’s why girls like him. Now put the monitor down, I don’t want to loose the deposit on this apartment.

Bob says:
I agree with Leo, Matt’s not so bad, I mean he was Wooderson in the movie Dazed and Confused. It was a priceless movie, and a great roll for Matt.

Leo says:
I take it back. If Bob likes Mcconaughey, then I hope an anvil drops on Matt’s head.

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