Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen…CANNONBALL. I’d say Ron said it best here, because lets face it who gives a sh@t about Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia. I mean sure I’d hold Hayden down and make her recite the alphabet backwards whilst I defiled her. But, hey, that’s gravity right? Certain things just are, and certain people just do. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, for those of you who still care, the powers that be have determined that the couple has broken up.

Heroes costars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia have called it quits, Usmagazine.com has learned.
“It was a lifestyle conflict,” a source close to the couple tells Us, adding that the split happened within the last week. “They were in very different places.”
Adds the insider, “They are still on friendly terms. There are no hard feelings.”
The source tells Us that Panettiere, 19, “is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that’s not his style.”

And I for one am sad. I mean relationships are hard these days and I just hate to see 19 year old famous millionaires depressed. It just irks me something awful. You know like winning the lottery irks one. Ah…se la vie.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So for her unemotional faced boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia, Hayden Panettiere decided to give a surprise striptease for the actor’s 31st birthday. According to sources,

Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.

This may be true, but Hayden will always remember her striptease roots while she spent summers with me in the golden hills of Tuscany. She was only 13 the time, and I 2 score, but we were in love…and in Italy, so it was legal. I can only imagine every time she sees an old man on a bench in the park she thinks of me and my luscious lap. She left Tuscany for Hollywood by the age of 14 but I will never forget those passionate nights of nut grinding and ass motorboating. I know you’re still saving your good stuff for me, Hayden. And I hope you never forget where you got your lapdancing chops from. God knows I won’t.

Here are a few pics of Hayden in the early days struggling to master the craft of stripteasing.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You probably thought I was referring to Hayden’s new brunette hair rather than an ass full of shit–but you’d be wrong. I’ve got class like Paris Hilton has charm. Anyways, this is Hayden Panettiere on the set of the third season of Heroes. And by the looks of it they’re going with a darker edge this season because all people with dark hair worship Satan. Didn’cha know? I for one can’t wait to see the transformation to the dark side. Cause that means someone either dies or gets pregnant and I just can’t help myself from playing spectator to the great circle of life. I’m a romantic like that.

Babies and tits, ladies. That’s my philosophy.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Hero’s stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Vetimiglia are apparently moving in together says In Touch magazine. According to the mag, Hayden just went house shopping last weekend and Milo wants to take things to the next level–ie. In Touch wants to sell more magazines. And I guess I should be mad that a 30 year old man is dating an 18 year old barbie doll like Hayden. But three things keep me level-headed: 1) It’s probably not true; 2) I would do the same thing if I was 60, so kudos to Milo; and 3) if the rumor is true then unlike Milo, I won’t have to be on house arrest every day with Hollywood’s most famous female teenager. So eat your heart out Milo.

God I’m depressed

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Dee:
This just in, according to People Magazine Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia are dating. This also just in, the sky is blue. It’s funny because people had their heads buried so far up their asses they couldn’t tell if the sky was actually blue or a muddy-brown color. However, thanks to People magazine it has been confirmed that the sky is in fact blue. Thanks People magazine, what would we ever do without you??

Bob ‘The Bitch’
In a related story the people at Derober have just discovered that Dee is being sarcastic. Yep…it’s sarcasm.