Derober

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wenz have a shotgun wedding (Perez)
Biggest fake boobs in the world makes record book (Asylum)
Laura Dern will return for next Jurassic Park (Stab)
Lohan is really, really desperate for a job (BedHead)
New Batman poster (Pink)
Joss Stone’s lesbian kiss (Stepfather)
Beckinsale or Marisa Miller? (On205th)

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John:
Three weeks ago, Derober was the first to report that Ashlee Simpson might have cheated on, A-1 DB, Pete Wentz when they first got together. Well it turns out there’s a snowballs chance in the arctic this may be true. THERE IS A GOD! The Derobers happen to be mutual friends with the guy (requested anonymity) who’s friends with the secret lover, TJ Swartz, and gave us the scoop via email:

“So my buddy TJ is the guy I was telling you about who hooked up with Ashley Simpson while she was with Pete Wentz. He’s just some normal dude from Chicago -no industry connects. He met Ashley at this lounge called Manor about a year ago and they hooked up a few times whenever she came in town. We used to give him shit about her taste in guys because she was dating that tool box Pete Wentz. TJ never admitted to sleeping with her, but when I asked him about her pregnancy he said “I did the math dude, trust me, it’s not mine.” haaa, I hope not!. These are the pics TJ sent me last year when they showed up on some Ashley fan site -enjoy”

Derober spoke to one of TJ’s ex-girlfriends, Lisa Wagner, who says, “TJ is seriously the nicest, most polite, and most shy person I ever met. I’m not surprised at all about the whole Ashlee thing. Girls like him a lot, a real charmer.”
The timing on this couldn’t be worse for Simpson. Ashlee and the Wentz-Bag are rumored to be wed this weekend outside LA. This is like the time when my uncle was about to get married and his fiance invited him on the Jerry Springer show to ‘talk about stuff.’ My uncle just wanted to meet Steve the bouncer. Steve, the bouncer.

P.S. Oh, did we mention there is a tape of T.J. discussing the rendezvous? So silly of me. Stay tuned.

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John:
Ashlee Simpson took the milk puppies out to dinner with Wentz Bag last night. Pete is really enjoying himself right now I’ll bet. Just wait though, Pete my boy. Soon, Ashtray’s body will grow proportional to the massive mammaries and vacation over. It’s like when a really cute puppy gets all big and you just don’t love it as much as you used to when it was tiny but with big tits and….I’m getting a little lost here.

Update: These 2 clowns are getting married next week!

Update 2: The rumor mill is buzzing with whispers of cheating! Who? When? Where? More to come!

For all Dress Diving episodes, click here.

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John:
Wal-Mart is rolling back the prices on the talent these days. Rumer Willis, Kristin Cavallari, Christina Milian, Josie Maran, Pete Wentz a.k.a the ‘Wentz’ Bag’, Corbin Bleu and Wilmer Valderrama whored themselves team up for Wal-Mart’s newest ad campaign for the spring/summer launch of Op. Each of the has-beens and never-will-be’s was paid in cigarettes and lottery tickets.
On a brighter note, I wore Op swim trunks as a diaper until I was 12 and they are very absorbent.

Related Shit: Here at Derober, we’ve made Pete Wentz a personal project of ours. Check out all things Wentz Bag here.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Though it hasn’t been confirmed by Ashlee Simpson’s publicist (yet), x17online.com along with about the entire internet are reporting that Ash is pregnant. And not with power this time but with an actual baby. I’ve already begun to pick out a few names for the happy baby, so here goes:
For Boy
-Bag O. Wentz Jr.
-15 minutes
-Son Ova Bitch
-Jeffrey Dahmer…Wentz
-Damien Wentz
If Girl
-Ashtray Simpson
-Investment 1
-Little shop of Horrors Simpson
-Ashlee N. IQ Jr.–And By N. I mean No….because she’s retarded
-Space Taker Simpson

Any suggestions from the Peanut gallery???

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
A great drunk man once told me, “when in doubt always double down.” So when you see the opportunity to ridicule two talentless bags of retard like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz at once, you have no choice but to seize the moment. And if you don’t believe me just click here to see the infamous video of the two laughing about Hurricane Katrina and the crisis in Africa. It’s 100% real, and it will test your gag reflexes so be sure to watch on an empty stomach. Good luck, and Godspeed.

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