Derober

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John:
Rihanna showed up at the American Music Awards dresses as a spike. I’m getting mixed messages here. It’s like her cleavage is saying, ‘come close’ and her spikes are saying, ‘so I can kill you.’ Decisions, decisions. Also, the first reader to write in and tell me what the fuck an American Music Award gets an ice cream cone with sprinkles. Is an AMA what happens when a Grammy and an MTV Moon Man screw?

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John:
Lindsay Lohan recently got rid of everything she owns except for her nipples and black tank tops. Fine with us. Lindsays carreer isn’t going anywhere so you might as well fall back on the one thing that you still have going for you, your hose-hounds. Rihanna on the other hand just had a little wardrobe malfunction. She has since covered the kittens but these photos will live forever. Forever!

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John:
Rihanna is on vacation in Barbados with her R&B singer Chris Brown. Reports say he spent the weekend “donkey-punch ready” whatever that means. I think I actually like this guy. I don’t know why, but I do.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I look at Rihanna’s nipples through her see-through shirt and think to myself, “can I get that with a side of gravy?” Those are monster nipples. Kinda like the giant silver dollar pancakes John Candy makes in the movie Uncle Buck. This is what happens to Irish people’s nipples after their drunken uncle gives them an atomic tittie-twister. Just a swollen mess. I mean, god, I love Rihanna and respect her ‘tits swinging in the wind’ spirit, but when your nipples are bigger than your tits..damn. Put that in a bottle sister, you may have just struck gold…or found a portal to hell. Time will tell.

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John:
Is that Ashlee Simpson at the Kids Choice awards or Sarah Michelle Gellar’s bastard cousin? ‘Ashlee’ did begin all her red carpet interviews with the phrase, “People of earth” which gives me a good hint. These stars are getting a lot carried away here. Miley Cyrus looks like my 27 year-old slut girlfriend. Sorry Slut Girlfriend, but I’m trying to drive a point home.

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