Derober

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John:
If you’re a film producer, getting Ryan Phillippe to do your film is like shopping at the 99 cent store. You can’t afford to get Captain Crunch so you settle for the Pirate’s Crunchy Oats instead. It fills you up but the aftertaste is really bad. Phillippe’s film, Stop-Loss got buried this weekend with only a 4 million dollar take. 21 faired much better taking in almost 22 million. However, I saw 21 yesterday and it was a steaming pile of shit. And I’m being kind.

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John says:
We go behind the scenes as Reese Witherspoon poses for Avon’s new Global Ambassador campaign. Reese is putting the past behind her and looking damn good. I didn’t know that Avon, a beauty corporation, had the clout to name somebody a ‘Global Ambassador’. Hold on. Just in to the Derober world headquarters: Bob the Bitch has been named Rosco’s Fried Chicken’s Global Ambassador. He’ll be parading around the globe advertising the health benefits of fried chicken for the 21st century. Congratulations Bob and Reese, we couldn’t think of anybody more qualified for these bullshit positions.

Bob ‘The Bitch’ says:
Hey there’s nothing bullshit about fried Chicken, or Reese.

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Just hours ago, Reese Witherspoon took her two kids, Ava and Deacon, to California Pizza Kitchen where she goes at least once a week. An employee says of Reese, “She one of the kindest patrons we have.” Tonight, something was rotten in Denmark. Ava seemed upset about something and finally blurted, “I don’t want another mommy.” To which Reese responded, “You’re not getting a new mommy, you’re getting a stepmom.” WTF! Ryan you sneaky bastard. Ryan cheated on Reese with crappy actress Abbie Cornish. But that fizzled until they were seen about town with each other again this August. Apparently, Ryan stuck a promise ring on somebody’s finger. Moral of the story: Remember to break bad news to children at home. Public places have many ears.

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Photos courtesy of www.sawf.org and www.bbc.co.uk
Damnit, why does Reese Witherspoon have to be so damn adorable? We’d love to hate her…but we can’t. So instead, we’ll figure out which of her suiters to hate: Jake or Ryan? Reese personally contacted Derober and said,

“I can’t decide which dream guy I want to be with, can ya’ll just take a vote to decide for me?”

Derober talks back,

“Yes, but what do we get in return Reesey?”

Her response,

“My S&M sex-tape library complete with ball-gags, whips, hog-ties, Ryan, Jake, jumper cables, and a mystery man wearing a leather face mask named, Machine.”

Offer accepted. Commence Voting! (video coming soon)

more at twiigs.com…