Scarlett and Ryan get married…weeeeeeeee!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Now few know this about me but despite my general loathing of the world, coupled with my passion for gratuitous explosions, I’m actually a sucker for a beautiful shotgun wedding. I don’t really understand it myself but I think it’s similar to the feeling the wicked witch of the west had for those little monkeys sporting top hats. I mean there just so damn cute, how can you hate? Anyways, over the weekend Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds wed in a private ceremony in Canada. The People reports

Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.
This is the first marriage for both. The couple had announced their engagement in May.

I am sorry I need a moment here…I promised myself..I wouldn’t..cryyy. Ahhh, DAMN THOSE ADORABLE MONKEYS! Damn them to hell. In the words of Socrates, “I want to know what love is…and I want those top-hat wearing monkeys to show me.” Words seared into my soul, indeed.

Write-in contest to win threesome with Scarlett

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John:
The details of the promotion comes with one of these “*”
* Threesome refers to moviegoing date with three peope.
Really, I thought Scar-Jo was leasing out her body to promote a movie? Instead it’s just false advertising trying to go viral. I’m not as easily fooled like our dim Ninja buddy Doug whose sister is a rotten whore. No siree, I’m smart.

Obama calls out Johansson. Ooohhh Snap!

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John:
Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is denying reports that he exchanges e-mails with Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett had told Politico that the senator responds to her personal e-mails and in one instance he referred to questions at a political debate as “silly.”
There was one small thing missing from Scarlett’s statement…the truth. Obama addressed Lying McLiarson’s comments in the Washington Post:

Speaking to reporters aboard his campaign plane, Obama said the actress doesn’t have his personal email address. “She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me,” Obama said, referring to his 26-year-old personal assistant, Reggie Love. “I write saying, ‘thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,’ and suddenly we have this email relationship.”

As punishment, Derober is mingling candid photos of Scarlett leaving a grocery store with regrettable sexy photos from Scarlett’s sordid past. This could have been avoided, Scarlett, if you’d just told the truth.

TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS: I’m going to ride a unicorn today!

Scarlett Johansson is engaged to one lucky man

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
According to Scarlett Johansson’s rep, Scarlett and Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds to the laymen) are officially engaged. And I’m..so…happy for the two….I can barely contain my joy. WHORE. You MAN WHORE, Ryan!! Anyways, according to People

Reynolds, 31, currently filming the aptly named The Proposal in Boston with Sandra Bullock, recently popped the question to Johansson, 23. The couple have not set a wedding date.
The Nanny Diaries star is expected to show off her sparkler at Monday night’s Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala in New York. Sources say Johansson is eager to “show off her rock” with her Dolce & Gabbana gown.

Well, won’t that be nice. I plan to be there to see Scarlett and Ryan myself. Oh what’s that in the bushes, Ryan?? Surely, it isn’t me with a sniper riffle trained dead at your head. Cause only jealous people go to such crazy extremes. MAN WHORE!!!

PS–For the record is it just me or does the before picture look oddly perverted?? If I offended anyone I offer no apology. Rot in hell ya loser.

For more on the ‘man whore’s’ special lady friend.

Scarlett Johanson set to play nurse in The Spirit. Eh…you could do better, Scarlett

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
In an adaptation of Will Eisner’s classic comic, The Spirit, Scarlett Johanson is set to play a sexy nurse. On paper this is the greatest idea for a movie ever. Even better than when some writer decided to have schwarzenegger say, ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER’ in every movie. The only problem is that the nurse outfit is…well, not how I always dreamed it could be. I’m sure some righteous ass of a directed wanted to stay ‘true’ to the character in the script. But I say Booo! Shame on you. Having Scarlett Johanson play a sexy comic book nurse is the opportunity of a lifetime. That’s like having the winning lottery ticket but refusing to cash it in because you don’t think it ‘seems right’. Grow up. You cash that ticket every time. Director of The Spirit, you still have time. Open the door…open the door.

Below are just a few rough sketches of what I think Johanson’s costume should look like. I’d love to hear your thoughts.