Attempted kidnapping of Suri Cruise

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Darby Gunpowder:
Suri and her gypsy mother, Katie, were chased down a Brentwood street by aliens. There is no evidence to back this up, but they started running like they were on fire for no reason at all. My best educated guess is Xenu sent 2 aliens back in time to kidnap Katie and Suri for a one gazillion Fladalions (= $3,043,000,000,000 US dollars) ransom. Katie’s tubby Galactic Confederacy soldiers (bodyguards) couldn’t even keep up. I hope they escaped the clutches of Xenu this week!!

Update: There was no attempted kidnapping of Katie and Suri Cruise. However the photos of Suri smiling and running do temporarily disprove her being a robot. That is, until we find out there is a more advanced version of the T-2000.

Katie’s transformation almost complete: Scientology Bootcamp

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Darby Gunpowder:
Bootcamp. The word alone conjures negative feelings. Fat people go to bootcamp, shit-head kids go to bootcamp, convicts go to bootcamp…Katie Holmes goes to bootcamp. This can only mean one thing: the once of human left in her is trying to escape the evil spell put on her by the Scientologists. She’s rebelling.

Here’s how I think it went down:
Poor Katie went bat-shit crazy when she found out she was being shipped off to Xenu Bootcamp. The “others” gagged-n-bagged her and shot her full of Clorox Bleach to induce coma. After duct-taping her lifeless, half-human body to a dolly, she was carted off to a waiting vehicle disguised as a plumber’s van.
The interior of the seatless van is covered in newspaper clippings, hair and finished crossword puzzles. There is a doctor present. When they finally arrive at the compound under cover of nightfall, there are men waiting outside dressed in potato sacks, and Nixon masks (not affiliated with our Bob “the bitch”). The men dropped their flaming torches to once again restrain Katie who is projectile vomiting from the Clorox-come-down. A quick needle to her neck does the trick.
Oddly, the compound has no visible front door, but the group vanishes into the fog. The only lights coming from structure are from tiny, frosted windows in the cellar. The only sound is muffled Xenu-jibberish.
Katie wakes. Slurring her speech, she asks the lone guard for water -she gets a boot to the face. Darkness.
The duration of her stay at bootcamp consists of electrical shock therapy, water torture, strobe lights and hourly quizzes about all 26 stars and 76 planets of the Galactic Confederacy -except Teegeeact, or as we know it, Earth. No need to learn about the planet they are leaving soon.

36 hours and no food or sleep later, she has passed Zenu bootcamp. As Katie is carted back out of the compound, still slightly zombified, she passes a room where she sees her beloved daughter Suri with 2 men in black lab coats. They make eye contact, but Katie is too weak to speak and closes her tear-filled eyes. Suri is silent and remains expressionless.
Suri watches Katie being loaded into the plumber’s van through a window. She turns to the men and asks, “Targentram vernagjgas erresx sinlotandrerv?” The men nod yes to the question and secure the wig back onto Suri’s head, covering the screws. Suri half-smiles.

For more Tom/Katie/Suri Scientology bullshit – Click Here

Tom Cruise has dope named after him

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Darby Gunpowder:
I love California. Local “medical” marijuana dispensaries are selling a new strain of weed called, Tom Cruise Purple. The bottle features a devilish photo of Tom Tom cackling like a rabid hyena -no joke. Of course the retards running the show at the Scientology Center are not pleased. The cavalry has been brought in, but my money is on the potheads -they have more power than 1,000 Zenus.
This chick smoked some of the Tom Cruise Purple and went on a Blumpkin rampage -true story

(imagine the possibilities of future of interactive internet porn when you go to this site)

Another 2 bite the dust: Will & Jada Smith

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For all you Will Smith fans out there, you can stop holding out hope that your beloved fresh prince won’t be joining the “church” of scientology. Will Smith has officially stepped up to the deep end, and leaped. Homeboy and his wife Jada have taken the bait from Cruise and Holmes and are now balls deep in Zenu. An insider says,

“Will’s “been getting more and more involved (in Scientology), and it isn’t just him, it’s definitely Jada, too.”
The report claims that the Scientology Church has “also set its sights on African Americans, opening up a center in Harlem in 2003.”

Nice knowing you, Will. Never been a fan, Jada.

Casting Call: Tom Cruise’s wife

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By now you’ve all heard that Tom Cruise actually set up a fake audition for a fake movie to find a real wife. There were strict guidelines: “the girls had to be A-list, single, pretty and in their twenties”. This, I cannot argue with. He started with the cream of the crop and invited, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, and Scarlett Johansson to the “audition”. Garnar and Alba smelled a rat and declined the invite when they finally stopped laughing. Scarlett accepted, but later freaked out when she found out the audition was at the Brainwashing Scientology Center in Hollywood. After watching a ball-dropping episode of Dawson’s Creak, Cruise extended the wife invite to sweet little Katie Holmes, and you all know how the rest of the kidnapping fairytale goes from there.

So what have we learned here ladies and germs? Katie Holmes was Tom Cruise’s FOURTH pick. Someone should really tell her. Here are directions to their house.