Shia Labeouf proves that drinking and driving is totally safe

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Bob ‘The Bitch’
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OK, that’s a lie. Drinking and driving isn’t safe at all. You know the dangerous thing about drinking and driving isn’t that the driver is drunk; it’s dangerous because the drunk driver happens to be…driving. Driving a whole car none the less. In Shia Labeouf’s case, a whole pick up truck. But in the spirit of being a huge celebrity Shia went big by flipping his Ford F-150 several times after being t-boned by some sober driver who was probably like WTF man! According to TMZ,

A witness tells us he heard a loud crash around 245 AM, then the sound of Shia’s truck rolling over. The witness said he heard what he thought was a girl screaming “F**k,” among other things. When he got down to scene, Shia was already out of the car and the female riding with him was crawling out of the drivers side of the truck. The truck was smoking, making noise and still running. The driver of the other car was also out of the car by this time. Shia and the female stood over by a wall while people were checking to see if everyone was okay. The witness said unlike most of the wrecks he’s seen in the dangerous intersection, no one was cursing or yelling at each other. There were no breathalyzers or tests done at the scene.

Oh and I failed to mention that Shia was T-boned because he pulled in front of the poor guy while making a left turn (smart). Shia’s felony DUI charges have already been reduced to a misdomeaner, however, the cops all stood in line to shake Shia’s hand when they found all the dead clowns in the back of his pick up truck. When asked to comment on the pile of dead clowns Shia simply said, “just doing my part as a decent citizen. And if you’re curious, yes, I will be selling the clown remains later today on e-bay.”

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Darby Gunpowder:
Clownshoes Bob. Simply clownshoes. I just hope the police officers didn’t accidentally take Shia to the woman’s jail for his girly name; it’d be a shame to miss out on meeting all those West Hollywood Jamaican Trannies that were arrested earlier in the evening for selling their weird bodies for sex.

Update: During an appearance on David Letterman’s the “Late Show,” LaBeouf joked about the pharmacy incident: “Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it’s just as bad.”
Well put dickhead…

7 reasons why Shia Labeouf can’t fill Indiana Jones’ shoes

George Lucas recently told Fox News

“I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this,” Lucas said. “But I have an idea to make Shia [LeBeouf] the lead character next time and have Harrison [Ford] come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.”

Derober believes that Shia LaBeouf fighting terrorists in an Indy-esque role would be, well, Hindenburg-esque. His character’s name is Mutt for Christmas’ sake! Paying audience says, “No ticket. No ticket.” Why? Roll your mouse over each photo and enjoy the 7 reasons:

REASON #1
Shia doesn’t meet Indy height requirements

Harrison Ford stands a solid 6’1″ while Shia LaBeouf is a petite 5’10”. Indy is short for Indiana. Shia is short because he’s short.

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REASON #2
Indiana Jones punches men like a freight train. Shia LaBeouf punches women like a cotton candy hammer.

Have you ever heard Indiana Jones’ punch sound effects? They’re like a MAC truck full of roaring lions that just drove out of the Apocalypse. Their pitch frequency resonates at a level mankind will never fully comprehend. Blue whales off the coast of eastern Asia are rumored to be the only species that can decipher the code in Indy’s punches. Only teletubbies can hear the sound of Ninnypants LaBeof’s punches.

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REASON #3
A LaBeouf and a Ford

The Surname Ford evokes strong masculine imagery of muscle cars and Americana. A LaBeouf is some sort of French Sea Monkey.

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REASON #4
Harrison Ford’s body of work is stout, while Shia LaBeouf is just a product of Disney.

Ford starred in not one, but two epic trilogies that helped catapult me into puberty–Star Wars and Indiana Jones (of course). He also did another little movie you might of heard of called The Fugitive. His presence on screen could captivate an army of ADD diagnosed children yipped up on cocaine. He could impregnate a woman (or man) with a subtle grin. Simply put, Ford wears the pants in any relationship. Shia LaBeouf on the other hand has a history of whoring himself out to massive audiences of children, staring in corporate gum-droppy kid’s shows for Disney. No leading man of mine is a mouseketeer.

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Reason #5
Short Round would make a better Indiana Jones than LaDouche

Short Round, the show stealer in Temple of Doom makes Shia look like She-Ra. My dead cat’s name is She-Ra. Dollars to donuts Short Round could rip LaBeouf’s beating heart out of his chest and laugh about it. No time for love Dr Jones!

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Reason #6
Indiana is a ladies man, not a mangina

Harrison Ford can make girls wet by clipping his toe nails. True story. Ask Cary Fisher and I’ll bet she’ll plead the fifth due to a severe case of ‘can’t walk straight.’ Shia on the other hand has a chick’s name, 6 pubic hairs, and plays with transformers. Close the book on this one.
Our fingers are crossed that Shia’s “lead singer” is indeed stuffed between his legs this is not an actual cooter.

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Reason #7
General Douchebaggery

Shai exhibits feminine characteristics in all areas of running, jumping, swimming, skiing, and breathing. It’s a sort of douche-aura he carries with him at all times. This is our appeal to George Lucas, please don’t make this stubby little poser the next Indy -or Mutt, I should say. You have a responsibility to the next generation of Indy lovers. Do you want them to tell their kids, “I remember when Indiana Jones Jr. got himself in a spot with some snakes and soiled his diapers… strait through.”

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On a completely semi-related note, check out Shia’s co-star on Transformers (The Megan Fox) topless HERE
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The anne klein shoes are special shoes, not regular men’s shoes like the lacoste shoes or the baby phat shoes, with customized designs similar to the guess shoes.

Would you buy Shai as the lead in Indy 5??

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If you’ve ever been hit in the nuts with a sledge hammer while finding out that your girlfriend of 3 years cheated on you with your best friend then maybe you can begin to understand my pain. Pain from what you ask?? Rumors are surfacing that Shai LaGay LaBeouf will play the lead in Indiana Jones 5 if the movie gets made (which based on George Lucas’ sequel track record it’s a lock). Lucas went on to say,

“I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison (Ford) this…But I have an idea to make Shia (LeBeouf) the lead character next time and have Harrison come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.”

Well shit. While you’re at it George why don’t you make a few more sequels to Star Wars in which the lead characters are the Ewoks who come to replace all the Jedi. Yeah, kids would love that. Kids also love sticking their thumb up their ass and smelling it (so I’ve heard). Doesn’t mean we should tolerate it.

‘Transformers’ star arrested. Refused to leave Walgreens.

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Dee:
Shai Labeouf, star of Transformers and the upcoming Indiana Jones 4 was arrested over the weekend after stumbling into a Chicago area Walgreens. He loitered there whilst drunk and refused to leave when the security guard asked. Such is the addictive quality of the convenience store. The guard called the police and Shai was arrested shortly thereafter. He was cooperative at the police station and released 5 hours later.

John:
I love this kid. I got so drunk over the weekend I couldn’t count to ten. True story. And I do love me some Walgreens. It could have been anybody, Shai. It’s a minor league offense. Don’t sweat it.