Sophie Monk breaks #1 rule of elevator etiquette

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John:
Sophie Monk went to her agent’s office to pick up the script for her next film, Almost Hardcore. I think the title works well here. But is Sophie Monk so popular that she gets hounded at her talent agency? The answer is a resounding NO. Heres how it went down:
Sophie Monk wants the powers-that-be in Hollywood to think she is getting offers to work. So she tipped off the paparazzi and had her agent give her any old script off his shelf, in this case, Almost Hardcore. Surprisingly, she loved the script and was sad to hear that it was already filmed 20 years ago and called for the lead woman to have “a healthy bush.”

Sophie Monk is good for two things

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Eye candy and a perfect target for personal ridicule. Lets think about Sophie Monk for a second. She starred on some Australian television shows, in a couple of shitty B movies (aka. Date Movie) and has been seen dating Ryan Seacrest. And I only know all that because I just IMDB’d her. So really what is so special about her? That’s right, nothing. She’s a poor man’s Kim Kardashian with a tighter ass. Don’t get me wrong if you see Sophie walking down the street you don’t say to yourself, “ehhh, average at best.” You realize you could never land that ass and die a little bit inside. But you know what, Sophie, you’re almost 30. So enjoy the crown well it still fits your perfect little head.

Sophie Monk pains me so

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Let me start off by saying that Sophie is no monk. She’s a cold blooded sex goddess from the bowels of hell. She eats men’s souls for breakfast and women’s hopes for lunch. So when I say I should never have gotten involved with her hopefully you’ll heed my advice. She’s a devious swindler with the aspiration to provide men everywhere with nothing but blue balls. And that’s it. I still can’t piss right.

Do NOT glance at these Sophie Monk pictures!

Sophie Monk takes pity on Ryan Seacrest

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
When Ryan Seacrest put his big-boy boots on, dressed in his finest suit and climbed a ladder to ask Sophie Monk out, her response was simple, ‘Sure, you’re rich.” In addition to Seacrest’s wealth, Sophie felt sorry that such a cute smurf was trying so hard to win her affection. It reminded her of her favorite pastime of watching midgets trying to board roller coasters–sad, but adorable. And ultimately this is an upgrade for Monk as she was previously seen dating Benji Madden who I swear has rabies.