Prattag + Ed Hardy = Apocolypse

Darby Gunpowder:
My dream has come true: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag endorse Ed Hardy. Why is this a dream come true you ask??
Ed Hardy is the most horrific clothing line ever regurgitated by mankind (I have been to jail 17 times for hulking loogies on 17 separate strangers on the street wearing urban Hardy-clown suits). And Heidi Mantag and Spencer Pratt are the most horrific human beings ever regurgitated by their shameful parents. My logic: since everyone, including David Letterman, hates Prattag, everyone will now boycott Ed hardy. The combination is equivalent to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

Speaking of guns, Pratt and Montag are collecting firearms. According to thesuperficial,

“The couple visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif., on June 7 and spent more than $10,000 on guns to arm themselves. They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. “Spencer wants to be prepared for anything.”

PS. If you are wearing Ed Hardy while reading this, you are banned from for life. Please leave now and go hang out with Spencer Pratt. Odds are, you’ll both be shot by accidental discharge.

Hell froze over

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Darby Gunpwder:
By some freak Late Night Show mix-up, Spencer Pratt appeared on Letterman the other night. My only guess as to how Pratt made it on the show is that when Letterman introduced his next glamorous celebrity guest (probably Keanu Reeves), Spencer simply walked out instead. These things happen. Letterman, who could give a shit about any celebrity in the first place, just kinda rolled with it and charmingly bashed the little prick.
The interview is hysterical. Letterman asked Douchey Doucherton how he actually got on The Hills and immediately interrupted himself and asked,

“Wait, how did you get on THIS show???”

For once, Spencer Pratt will be worth your time -check out the video:

The White House Gala: No douchebags allowed

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Darby Gunpowder:
*I’d like to preface this article with my hatred for the word “gala.”

My invitation was lost to the White House Correspondents Gala, but Heidi Montag’s invite was revoked . . .by her boyfriend. She actually landed an invite to this gala event because she publicly endorsed John ‘Gala’ McCain. Spencer was not invited to the gala due to his condition of douche-gala-baggary, which is unspoken quarantine in my parts. As Heidi’s manager, Spencer pulled the plug on this gala appearance when didn’t get what he wanted,

He demanded first-gala-class tickets for both him and Heidi – even though he wasn’t invited to the gala.
When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

I have a theory that the world’s collective blood pressure would drop substantially if Spencer Pratt found his portal back to Narnia to kick it with fellow Centaurs and was never seen again. Heidi could then go on with her life, like a normal fem-bot, and attend gala upon gala until her motor’s content. Gala.

If Spencer Pratt makes you want to flush your body down to China to escape the same gala continent he lives one –Click Here

New Pratt-Montag reality show is the second coming

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My new flat screen is now endanger of a brick being thrown through it thanks to Heidi and Spencer’s new reality show. The dynamic duo is in talks with MTV for a reality show that would feature the road leading to their marriage/apocalypse. Spencer says,

“I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer.”

Well Spencer, I’m not a big fan of terrorists attacks and if Iran has their TV’s tuned in for your show, we’re all screwed. You would give them yet another reason to hate our country.

Pratt-Montag Easter = Rabbit Hunting Season

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Darby Gunpowder:
Grab your guns, poison darts, reapers, whatever blunt objects you can get ahold of -it’s rabbit season. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were spotted out and about by their paid photographer sporting bunny ears, pastels and what appears to be a rental-kid. They were probably talking about how aces the weather on fantasy island is this time of year.