Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
Thanks Doc. I also heard that water is wet, there is an oil crisis, Florida is bat-shit crazy, and the Jonas Brothers are NOT virgins. Looking very smart, confident and matter-of-fact, Dr Drew has this to say about celebrity addictions (source),

“Today, in the celebrity world, we’re seeing an addiction epidemic,” Pinsky said, adding that the disease of addiction is more deadly than cancer.
“If you had cancer, you would drop everything,” he says. “You would take whatever time it needed to do the treatment and do what it takes to get out on the other side. Here’s a disease that is more dangerous, and we can’t get people to take three months.”
“I don’t like treating celebrities,” he said. “It’s not a group I would seek out of a population I would necessarily treat as a separate goal because they’re very, very difficult.”

In honor of Dr Phil’s Drew’s celebrity service announcement, we decided to show you just how dangerous drugs are. Lets take a walk down “What If” lane and see what your favorite celebrities would look like just after detonating their Meth labs.

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John:
When creating his new site Tom was reportedly told, “Suck yourself off in 4,000 words or less.” Tom misinterpreted his directions and shoved his head clean up his ass instead. Silly Boy. The site is clown shoes as you might expect. You can view Tom’s biography and hobbies. You can even chat with Tom if you like. I asked him, “Why head up ass?” I kept it short and monosyllabic so Tom would understand. I’m sure he’ll get right back to me.

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John:
Tom and Katie went to The Country Girl on Broadway this weekend. They also took a spaceship helicopter ride over the city. The two look very happy together here. It should be noted that if Katie releases Tom’s hand and makes any attempt to escape, a small microchip in Katie’s brain will let Xenu authorities know her exact location. Tom calls it his Katie LoJack.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Bootcamp. The word alone conjures negative feelings. Fat people go to bootcamp, shit-head kids go to bootcamp, convicts go to bootcamp…Katie Holmes goes to bootcamp. This can only mean one thing: the once of human left in her is trying to escape the evil spell put on her by the Scientologists. She’s rebelling.

Here’s how I think it went down:
Poor Katie went bat-shit crazy when she found out she was being shipped off to Xenu Bootcamp. The “others” gagged-n-bagged her and shot her full of Clorox Bleach to induce coma. After duct-taping her lifeless, half-human body to a dolly, she was carted off to a waiting vehicle disguised as a plumber’s van.
The interior of the seatless van is covered in newspaper clippings, hair and finished crossword puzzles. There is a doctor present. When they finally arrive at the compound under cover of nightfall, there are men waiting outside dressed in potato sacks, and Nixon masks (not affiliated with our Bob “the bitch”). The men dropped their flaming torches to once again restrain Katie who is projectile vomiting from the Clorox-come-down. A quick needle to her neck does the trick.
Oddly, the compound has no visible front door, but the group vanishes into the fog. The only lights coming from structure are from tiny, frosted windows in the cellar. The only sound is muffled Xenu-jibberish.
Katie wakes. Slurring her speech, she asks the lone guard for water -she gets a boot to the face. Darkness.
The duration of her stay at bootcamp consists of electrical shock therapy, water torture, strobe lights and hourly quizzes about all 26 stars and 76 planets of the Galactic Confederacy -except Teegeeact, or as we know it, Earth. No need to learn about the planet they are leaving soon.

36 hours and no food or sleep later, she has passed Zenu bootcamp. As Katie is carted back out of the compound, still slightly zombified, she passes a room where she sees her beloved daughter Suri with 2 men in black lab coats. They make eye contact, but Katie is too weak to speak and closes her tear-filled eyes. Suri is silent and remains expressionless.
Suri watches Katie being loaded into the plumber’s van through a window. She turns to the men and asks, “Targentram vernagjgas erresx sinlotandrerv?” The men nod yes to the question and secure the wig back onto Suri’s head, covering the screws. Suri half-smiles.

For more Tom/Katie/Suri Scientology bullshit – Click Here

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
C’mon did you really think I’d blow up an infant like Suri? They have to be at least five years old before I resort to TNT dismantling. And I am firm on that policy. After all what is a man without moral standards?? Anyways, as you can see the Derobers would like to ring in Suri Cruise’s 2nd birthday with a bash. We apologise that we couldn’t find an alien space ship tree house for Suri, but we figure it’s only a matter of time before Tom buys one for her. So keep your fingers crossed on that one. And sorry to those of you out there who were actually hoping to see Suri get detonated. Like I said, it’s just a strict policy here at Derober. You’ll have to wait 3 more years.