Scientology: Defined

By now, you’ve seen the Tom Cruise Scientology Indoctrination Video. It’s Tom’s career Katrina. But unless you’re a member of the cult of Scientology, understanding the lingo Tom uses in the video to describe the cult is impossible. The Derobers have put together an abridged version of the cult’s video complete with steaming definitions of Cruise’s Scientologese. You will find this video nowhere else. Enjoy Scientology: Defined. (Oh, and digg the shit out of this. We want everyone on this planet to know exactly how crazy Cruise is.)

and if youtube takes theirs down, we have you covered. just watch the one below!



Not only shoes protect feet but the shoes are a symbol of fashion too, from the bcbg shoes to the gucci shoes and the prada shoes.

Tom feels this big.

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Tom Cruise is reportedly pretty pissed off about the whole ‘He’s a Scientology Freak’ thing happening right now. His publicists have instructed him to go out and pretend like it’s business as usual but a source close to Tom is says “he’s agitated.” What’s worse: Scientologists don’t take ‘anti-agitating’ meds. Poor lamb.

Tom Cruise’s Scientology Indoctrination Video. Jesus.

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As many of you have heard, Tom Cruise has spun off the planet. In this video, he discusses Scientology candidly and without forming a complete thought or coherent sentence. This video is being removed by Scientology’s many lawyers and for good reason. Tom comes across as a bloviating megalomaniac. Only one website, Gawker, has held its ground and refuses to take the video down. For that, they have become our personal heroes. Tonight we join them in an effort to allow as many people as possible see what a flawed sense of reality Scientology has created in this fallen star. Enjoy.
Dear ‘Church’ of Scientology International’s Lawyers,
Please address all inquiries to our lawyer, Paex Aeuspuzoe, or P.A. as we like to call him. Now, he does live on Neptune so mind your time zones. He can be a bit of a meshugeneh if you wake him up before ten. Fair warning, P.A.’s used to be a Scientologist himself, an OTVII theton to be prescise. He went to Tremenina base once to ‘build a bridge to total freedom’ but instead he just got both his snouts blown off in one of the land mine fields they have surrounding the base. So he defected from the fast pace of the Galactic Confederacy and just knits quilts in his free time. His only regret is that he never made it to level OT VIII to ‘experience the highest global sociopolitical echelons’ and maybe bang a virgin. Anyway, send him an email. Parcel post would just take an eternity. Remeber the famous line from Henry VI, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
Warm Regards,
The Derobers

BREAKING: There is a new Tom Cruise Video with subtitles defining all the alien jargon he uses! Brilliant!!!

Is Katie Holmes contractually obligated to Tom Cruise??

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US magazine has just reported that the author of the new book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography has released some startling information regarding Tom Cruise and wife, Katie Holmes. According to author Andrew Morton, prior to marriage Katie Holmes signed a contract to commit to scientology and her father brokered an elaborate high-paying pre-nup. What kind of pre-nup? According to Morton, for every year Katie Holmes stays married to Tom she will make 3 million dollars. But this comes at the price of letting Scientologists have, “full control over her life,” claims Morton. I don’t know if this is true or not, but if it is then it proves my theory that there is no point attending college when you can start your own religion. Seriously, all it takes is one rich asshole like Tom to believe in you and you’re set for life. Just sayin’.

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I formed a religion once, but every time I turned the lights back on the ladies were nowhere to be found. My clown suit hasn’t been used since. Another reminder of my failed childhood.

Tom Cruise ‘Scientology second-in-command’

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It’s the day we have all been waiting for, Tom Cruise has finally paid enough money to the “church” of Scientology to become the “Vice President”. This means that all important decisions, including policy and planning, pass over his desk for approval according to a new book by the royal biographer Andrew Morton.

Just a reminder to all you Scientology ignoramuses, the “church of Scientology” is built around the doctrine that alien lifeforms called Thetans inhabit human bodies. They are also famous for making their (lost/mental) members pay sick amounts of cash to be promoted to higher enlightened levels of the cult.

Congrats Tommy-boy! . . .Now get the F#@k off our planet!