6 Crazy Hollywood Stories You Probably Haven’t Heard (Bonus story available on The Chive)

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Actor Christopher Plummer once said of Hollywood, “The Stars end at La Brea.” implying that where the stars on famed Hollywood Boulevard end, the real Hollywood begins. The cogs and gears that actually move Hollywood forward are oiled with dirty back lot stories. Here are some great ones you might not have heard.

How James Cameron got Aliens a green light

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From Hello He Lied by Linda Obst. Story told by Gordon Caroll, Executive Producer, Aliens.

Cameron was young. He had just directed Terminator. Cameron had called a meeting to discuss his “next project.” Everyone knew Cameron had written a treatment for Alien 2 that nobody would touch because Alien was not a massive financial success. Alien 2 was not on the table. We expected a professional pitch from Cameron, an outline and a treatment of what he had in mind with a cursory budget; perhaps a couple assistants to run a slide show.
Instead Cameron walked in the room without so much as a piece of paper. He went to the chalk board in the room and simply wrote the word ALIEN. Then he added an ‘S’ to make ALIENS. Dramatically, he drew two vertical lines through the ‘S’, ALIEN$. He turned around and grinned. We greenlit the project that day for $18 million.

Behind the Scenes of Basic Instinct, abridged.

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Basic Instinct grossed over $350 Million and made Sharon Stone a household name. Basic’s writer, Joe Eszterhas wrote a tell-all book about the film Hollywood Animal in which he writes of Sharon,

“(Stone) was so despised by co-workers that on one of her films, crew members took turns urinating in her bathtub.”

Jack Nicholson at the Playboy Mansion

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From the upcoming book, You’ll Never Bounce in This Town Again by Charlie Backer (pseudonym).

“I was working valet at the mansion. We used to park the nicer cars in the roundabout just for show. At 2 AM Jack comes out with a tall blond girl. She couldn’t have been a day over 25 and they start going at it on top of a 1952 Jaguar Roadster. It wasn’t the kissy-kissy stuff either. They were both drunk. I’m watching this when the owner of the Jag walks up to me. It was James Caan. I thought he was going to kill me for allowing this to happen. Caan was a nice guy but he had a temper. I said, “Mr. Caan, Shall I go fetch your car.” James Caan looked at me and said, “Son, you don’t take meat away from a lion when it’s eating. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Ben Stiller is an Asshole

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It all started on the set of Zoolander. Ben Stiller mandated that none of the extras make eye contact with him whatsoever. Stiller also hired and fired ‘a herd of personal assistants’, many of which came forward claiming they were verbally abused by the bi-polar actor.
Stiller’s bad boy behavior continued until Along Came Polly when a number of his fired personal assistants made the same verbal abuse accusations. There was even an (unverified) accusation from a PA who claimed that Stiller had demanded that she cut his toenails. In the face of scrutiny, Stiller actually admitted to being an asshole,

” In the movie business you’ve constantly got to prove yourself. So I can be a real asshole on the set sometimes.”

The real reason Bill Murray didn’t do the Charlie’s Angels sequel

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Bill Murray and Lucy Liu didn’t get along on the set of the first Charlie’s Angels. Bill was always uncomfortable around her and nobody knew why until one day a huge fight erupted between the two while they were filming a scene. People Magazine reported the Bill ‘loudly complained about her technique.’ People was being gentle.

What actually transpired was much more intense. Bill Murray stopped a scene in progress and pointed to Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu saying in order, “I get why you’re here, and you’ve got talent….but what in the hell are you doing here. You can’t act!” At that, Liu blew her lid and attacked Murray, wildly throwing punches. The actors had to be separated to opposite corners of the room while they lobbed verbal hand grenades at each other.
With a Columbia Pictures gun to their heads, both actors would publicly downplay in incident but insiders know better. Bill Murray would not do any sequel with Liu attached and was subsequently replaced by Bernie Mac.

Geffen Babies

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Perhaps the most pervasive and heavily debated lore in Hollywood revolves around Geffen Records founder/billionaire David Geffen. He’s also known as the “G” in Dreamworks SKG. Geffen is an eccentric homosexual who lives in an LA compound often referred to in Hollywood as Gay Mafia Xanadu.
Geffen reportedly has a staffer whose job is to populate Geffen’s abode with a revolving door of nubile gay men known as ‘Geffen Babies’. The perspective Babies are asked to come to Geffen’s house as paid models. The Babies are well compensated for services rendered. Geffen has been know to lavish his Babies with cars, jewelry, and even career favors. Such career compensation has lured otherwise hetero men into becoming temporary Babies themselves.
Some of Hollywood’s top leading men are whispered to have been Babies most notably, Keanu Reeves. Many say his casting as the lead in My Own Private Idaho was a favor from Geffen. Some went as far as to say they were secretly wed, a rumor which has since been debunked. Recently, Sean William Scott has been spotted about town with the mogul. The NY Daily News even went so far as to say he was seen with Geffen at a local gay bar. Personally don’t believe a man who will be forever known as ‘Stiffler’ could ever be gay but one thing is certain, the Geffen Baby does exist. Exactly whom of the Hollywood illuminati are baby alum, we may never know.

Pamela Anderson is the fuel behind every great male success story

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Think about every great male inventor, innovator, and entrepreneur of our time. What common thread do they all share? Answer: Before they were a somebody they all wanted to get laid by the bombest smoking hot-ass chicks. Seriously, what other reason is there to become rich and famous? You think Kennedy wanted to go to the moon because it made for great television? Henry Ford just had to create the Model T and assembly lines because he wanted to help people get from A to B? And Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence because no one else could better animate America’s need for liberation?
All the great ones got to be men of power because of their drive to get laid by the Pamela Anderson’s of the world. Women with an ass like honey, legs like woah, tits like fish tanks filled with your favorite jam jelly, and a face like an angel–an angel that wants to f#ck you.
After all, what else is there in life to aspire to?
A nice house–Overrated, I’ve burned down every home I ever owned.
Fancy cars–just masterbate more to the thought of cars you pervert.
Early retirement–bullet in my head at 65.
Leaving financial security to family–see if you can suck the money out of my cold dead ass, bitches.

But Pamela you were always there for me. And for that…I have a reason to get rich.

French weaponry at its finest

Let this not be a metaphor for your sex life.

When Russian Grandmas fight for my love

I’m moving to Russia.


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Bob ‘The Bitch’
If you haven’t met ‘Tyrone the tit loving T-Rex,’ than let this be a coming out party. He’s profiled all the greatest celebrity racks. He viewed Jean Harlow’s mammories during the depression. He coped with Marilyn’s juggs during the second great world war. And did I mention ladies, he’s a Vietnam Vet himself? Yes, Tyrone gets the skinny on any famous set of hose-hounds and we’re lucky to have him as our man dinosaur in the field on everything breasts. In this shot he is getting the scoop on Ashlee Simpson’s boobs.

Bob ‘The Bitch’–“Tyrone, anything fun or unusual to report on Ashlee’s fun-bags?”
Bob ‘The Bitch’: ” Well, you heard it hear folks, Ashlee Simpson sadly has something worth paying attention to. Back to you in the studio John and Leo.