Paris Hilton’s tits wouldn’t fool a lemming

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Ya know I was wondering where Paris’ accessory chiwawa Tinkerbell was and now I know. I should’ve seen this one coming. Dog heads always make the best breast implants. Our condolences go out to Tinkerbell’s family and friends. We can only provide some consolation by pointing out how wonderful Paris’ juggs do look.

That being said, apparently her boobs weren’t enough to woo over international soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo at the Coco de Ville last night. According to sources,

Every girl in the club was checking [Cristiano] out, but Paris couldn’t take her eyes off him,” a spy told the Daily Mail. “The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.”

“At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.”

Shockingly, however, the heiress’ affections weren’t returned by the footballer, who gave her the cold shoulder.

“Ronaldo clearly wasn’t interested in Paris,” the Mail’s source says. “He turned his back on her.”

Paris’ rep is denying the incident completely (surprise surprise), but that denial carries about as much weight as paper clip floating in outer space.

Lohan knows how to throw a party

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
When Lindsay Lohan says she’s throwing a birthday party even Jesus takes notice. I don’t know what Lohan’s list of demands were for her birthday but I can only imagine they went something like this:

Item 1: 2, 000 dildos
Item 2: Rocket Launcher and real functioning Iron Man suit
Item 3: Enough cocaine to suffocate a blue whale
Item 4: Confetti
Item 5: Truck load of KY Jelly
Item 6: A goat (if no goat available then a tiger and several hundred hamsters)

But that’s all just speculation at this point. Anyways…yaaah Lindsay, Happy Birthday. One more year gone by that people didn’t know about your love of animals…literally.

Angelina Jolie’s boobs are miraculous

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Angelina Jolie in the new issue of Vanity Fair does for me what water does to Chia pets. Do the math. Angelina in this picture is a perfect example of how pregnant women everywhere should try to be. No more ,”I’m eating for two” bullshit. Just keep that chin high and tight and rock the hell out of those cannons.

Minnie Driver pregnant. But who’s the father?

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Last night on Leno, Minnie Driver dropped the bomb that she is pregnant. People were aghast. Tabloids have been running rampant. But as the father of Minnie Driver’s child I knew this was coming. I’ve been holed up in the Beverly Hills Hotel for the last 3 days in a drunken stupor. If there’s anyone out there reading this now, please send water and condiments to room 313. And maybe call an ambulance.

Matthew Mcconaughey to name his baby after beer

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
According to The Star, Matthew Mcconaughey has come up with a great idea for the name of his new baby. A name that will go down in the annals of redneck history. He is planning to name his baby after a beer. And why wouldn’t why? But which beer you ask? Only time will tell but I’ve picked out a few names that I thought had a good ring to them. How about Milwaukee Mcconaughey, or Miller ‘High Life’ Mcconaughey? There’s also Busch Mcconaughey or my personal favorite Steel Reserve Mcconaughey. The possibilities are endless.

Any suggestions from the peanut gallery?