Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This morning Ryan Seacrest unleashed a titanic dump on the world via a Britney Spears/Heidi Montag Duet. The results were…unstable. Scientists are reporting the San Andreas fault just doubled in width. Meanwhile, Britney is denying that she gave Heidi permission to release the song. But like a fart on ‘taco Tuesday’ the song just won’t go away. It seeps into our collective minds and stains our underpants with ruthless disregard for the law. Good luck, listeners, and Godspeed.

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Leo:
Some girls are teased in grade school because they have braces or acne or a glass eye, but not Jessica Alba -she was teased for something much worse. After falling from heaven at the young age of 13, the fully developed Alba was teased for her, ahem…profile. According to Pagesix.com,

“Jessica Alba knows the trauma of developing a big chest at an early age - she says she was labeled a sixth-grade slut by her elementary school principal and a couple of “self-righteous” PTA moms. “The accusation still ricochets… They think I’m a slut?”

Alba recalls in “If I’d Known Then,” Ellyn Spragins’ upcoming book of essays by female celebrities. Alba adds: “Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they’re about 20 or 21… It’s fun to have a crush, but don’t think it’s forever… And use birth control and condoms, please.”

Boy were they wrong. Good thing Jessica is not allegedly cheating on her boyfriend or pregnant…wait-

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Photo credit: PBS

John:
J-Lo and her ward, Mark Anthony, have graced us with their children’s names. They are called Emme and Max. The two are named after brother and sister named Max and Emmy on the PBS show, Dragon Tales (actually a good show).
We wish the twins all the best. Sadly, their parents are so out of touch they couldn’t tell you what a gallon of milk costs. Hell, they were so paranoid about somebody stealing their babies at the hospital, they hired an army of foot soldiers to protect them. Parlor bet: Emme’s first word will be Dior.

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John:
The Disneyfication of the Rock is complete. After he finishes Disney’s Witch Mountain, The Rock will head to Fox to film The Tooth Fairy, a story about an inmate who is forced to do time as the Tooth Fairy. Wait, what?
The Derobers love killing off Dwayne. After we reported that he stiffed a server in a Kansas City restaurant, his publicist gave us an earful. The story is true by the way. Since then, any excuse we have to kill off The Rock with a great American lager is a good one. He’s like the Derober’s Kenny, only a huge pussy.

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John:
Scarlett Johannson is auctioning herself off on Ebay this Monday to promote next year’s film, He’s Not That Into You. The winner will accompany Scarlett to the premiere and will also “receive a signed CD and personal note.” Wow and wow.
Eddie ‘the hatchet’ Winslow is the top bidder right now. His MySpace lists him as a “collector of women and freezers.” Good luck with that.

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