Derober

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John:
Hayden Panettiere is on a yacht in Cannes, sunbathing. Just when you think it can’t get any better you find out she’s there with her new boyfriend, Steve Jones, and you boil over with excitement because all you ever wanted was for her to be happy…wait. That came out wrong. I meant –
Hayden Panettiere is on a yacht in Cannes with some lucky douchebag who isn’t you or I and all we can do is look at the photo gallery and hope.

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John:
Lindsay Lohan falls back on Marilyn Monroe (again) for Spanish Vogue. I officially feel bad for this girl. She’s broke and she’s not Marilyn Monroe. Two worse things I can’t think of. What is Spanish Vogue anyway? I don’t even know what that means.

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John:
George Clooney, who is my hero, got pretty wasted last night. This isn’t news, this is awesome. This guy is out there just giving it to the world. He’s rich, famous, single, and totally drunk. I want to freeze time. My man-crush wants to remember Cloon-dog just like this.

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John:
Sadly, Heidi and Spencer are not going to get the swine flu this week. But they’ll grow tired of the masks they pretend to wear for 20 min. while cameras are around. And they’ll get what’s coming to ’em. In a sad admission, Heidi looks smoking hot in the photos below. Sorry, it’s true.