Derober

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John:
When all else fails, dye your hair back to it’s original color. Lindsay Logan has returned to her ‘firecrotch’ roots this afternoon. The curtains match the carpet and all is right with the world. That might be a little overstated considering Lilo’s recent breakup, her lack of any career, and impending jailtime but hey, the new hairdo looks fantastic!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You ever wonder what it would look to see a bucket of lard having sex with a rusty nail? The thought keeps me up nights. Well, according to Star Magazine (the authority on everything worthless), Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have been knocking boots again. Knocking ’em hard, early and often. Star says,

…the one-time couple have been hooking up whenever and wherever the mood strikes.
“It’s like they’re newlyweds all over again,” a family insider (says). “Brit and Kevin can’t keep their hands off each other! The flings have made them both a lot happier.”
Britney loves it when Kevin puts the moves on her, and she’s making her own too. “She definitely knows how to fan the flames!”

If you ask me, they’re probably having sex right now. That sound outside your window currently…no dump truck–wink wink.

Britney and Kevin are doing it if you don’t understand what I’m getting at.

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John:
Here’s Anna on the red carpet for her new flop, Observe and Report. Anna’s a talent, nobody is going to deny that but the facts remain, she’s not dating me. Not dating me comes with a whole buncha’ Karmic consequences including movie flops. Hey, I didn’t make the rules, folks.

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John:
Tila Tequila and Billy Corgan are dating. Why not? He appears to be some sort of giant and she scurries about like an energetic squirrel. Where am I going with this, you ask? I’ll tell you. Don’t have sex with tall women. It’s scientifically proven that they are less fun (and certainly less agile) in bed. This is a good match and I’m sure it will last for years to come.