Derober

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John:
Lindsay Lohan showed up for the Mercedes-Benz Oscar Party looking ravishing. When asked what she wanted to eat, Lohan replied,

I’ll have the Splenda please.

Everybody was so surprised that she said ‘please’, they didn’t realize she’s just ordered a condiment.

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John:
Paris Hilton went clubbing last night as some sort of depressed ballerina. Last week I tried to nickname her ‘the world owes me everything’ but it didn’t stick. So I’m trying it again…
The World Owes Me Everything went clubbing last night as some sort of depressed ballerina. ‘World’ was reportedly distraught over a recent caviar purchase-gone-awry. ‘World’ decided to leave all her troubles behind by going some fancy LA club. ‘World’ entered the club and promptly announced to the room. “I’m here. Now give me everything.”

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Katy Perry + leather pants = gravy train. If only she had brought out the fun bags we could’ve tagged on some biscuit wheels to go with that train. But that’s the world we live in. You know say what you will about Katy Perry, but don’t tell me the girl isn’t fun. She looks like the kind of girl that would try to arm wrestle me and then would piss in the men’s bathroom standing up with one leg over the urinal. Just a Tom Boy that loves to get her freak on. And I for one say, ‘Yes.’ I condone this sexy can-do attitude and look forward seeing what Perry gives me in the future. But for now we’ll have to settle for the skin tight leather pants at the 2009 Brit Awards.

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John:
Lauren Conrad and Stephanie Pratt went to the beach today and hooked up. It was gentle and loving. Both decided that they were strait but there we no regrets…

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John:
Audrina Partridge hits the beach to film a new episode of The Hills. I’m sure the conversation was stimulating. After seeing these photos, I see no reason why the women of The Hills should ever wear anything but bikinis. I’d tune in. Just mute the show, turn on some Hank Jr., and toss back a beer or ten while Audrina prances around, muted.