Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen…CANNONBALL. I’d say Ron said it best here, because lets face it who gives a sh@t about Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia. I mean sure I’d hold Hayden down and make her recite the alphabet backwards whilst I defiled her. But, hey, that’s gravity right? Certain things just are, and certain people just do. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, for those of you who still care, the powers that be have determined that the couple has broken up.

Heroes costars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia have called it quits, Usmagazine.com has learned.
“It was a lifestyle conflict,” a source close to the couple tells Us, adding that the split happened within the last week. “They were in very different places.”
Adds the insider, “They are still on friendly terms. There are no hard feelings.”
The source tells Us that Panettiere, 19, “is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that’s not his style.”

And I for one am sad. I mean relationships are hard these days and I just hate to see 19 year old famous millionaires depressed. It just irks me something awful. You know like winning the lottery irks one. Ah…se la vie.

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John:
It’s Bar Refaeli holding a photo of Bar Refaeli behind a Bar Refaeli plane. Honestly, the only thing cooler than that are Ronald McDonald and Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls. She’s the winner this year, no doubt about it. I’m supposed to say something mean here but I’m too busy thinking about eating a fresh cinnamon roll out of Bar’s belly button.
This is my fantasy. I don’t make fun of other people’s fantasies so back off.

nom

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John:
At first I was mad at Snoop for posing with these clown shoes. But then I realized he was just being a nice guy. Snoop has a new club, Dogg after Dark. It’s probably only the coolest place on the planet…or it was until he let these two vagrants into the place. I’m giving away a sacked lunch to the first person who explains to me how Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got famous.

Not for the faint of heart. If you’ve ever wonder what it looked like to gang up on a one armed, one legged, homeless boy with a confidence complex, this is your chance. In this video David Letterman takes a metaphorical shovel to Joaquin Phoenix’s face and the results are well…you just have to see for yourself, I suppose. Don’t watch if you’re depressed or on any form of medication.

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John:
I like this kid. No, I LOVE this kid. I’m naming him Tommy. Tommy is going to have a great life. He’s passionate and when he sees something, he goes after it. In this case, it’s Lily Allen’s whoozeewhatsit. But tomorrow it’ll be the entire Laker Cheerleading squad. I’m telling you, this kid is a tyrant in the making. And I will serve under his regime.