Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
If you guessed Billy Bob Thornton, you and a guest win a trip to beautiful Fantasy Island. Angelina Jolie was forced to attend the Kung Fu DVD release party probably due to a death threat if she didn’t show. The threat was said to have come from the Panda Bear Costume Store on La Brea.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So…yeah. Apparently in the upcoming issue of W magazine Angelina Jolie poses while breastfeeding. Now I can’t confirm who or what will be the recipient of Angelina’s breast milk but If I know Angi like I think I do we’re all in for a real shit show. A circus freak act with biscuit wheels. So for now I’ll leave you with these pics of Angelina wooing a defenseless horse (which I think could be considered illegal in most states but what-ev). A source confirmed the upcoming shoot,

It’s true! Sources who’ve seen the photos confirm exclusively to Life & Style that Angelina Jolie really did pose for the cover story of W magazine while breast-feeding!
“Angelina posed for Brad [Pitt] in one of the photos while breast-feeding,” the source reveals to Life & Style. “It’s really beautiful and tastefully done.”
“The photos are amazing,” adds a second source.
Brad shot the photos in mid-August at Chateau Miraval, the family’s home in the South of France. They’re scheduled to appear in W’s November issue, hitting newsstands on Oct. 21.

Seriously though, photoshoot aside, if there ever was an animal rights activist out there that didn’t like Angelina Jolie, for whatever reason, this is your chance. That horse is literally nose deep in Angi’s boobage. Straight inter-species motorboating.

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Darby Gunpowder:
The British have no problem plastering Keeley Hazel and Lucy Pinder’s chest cannons all over the UK, but they do have a problem with Angelina wielding a rock-hard steel pistol in her ‘Wanted’ movie poster. So much so, the UK has banned the poster for glorifying violence. according to Dlisted,

“The U.K.’s Advertising Standards Authority ruled that two movie posters for “Wanted” glamorize guns and violence. Only 17 complaints were made against the posters, but the ASA felt it was enough to ban them forever!”

We here at Derober partially agree with the ban. Who wants to see Angelina Jolie holding a boring old gun?? When, if given a choice, we would much rather see her holding another weapon: a 16 inch dildo. You’re welcome ASA. Please feel free to use the above reproduction for your replacement posters.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Move over Angelina Jolie, you have been replaced by UK receptionist, Alison Carroll for the role of Lara Croft. Although Carroll has not been awarded the movie role (yet), she has been hired to promote the Tomb Raider video game, Underworld. I approve of this decision.
The Telegraph reports:

“Carroll will star in TV adverts and travel the world to meet Lara Croft fans.
Winning the role of Lara means Carroll can quit her job as a receptionist.
“This is a fantastic opportunity and I am really looking forward to embracing Lara’s world,” she said. “I still can’t believe they chose me to take on the role of Lara - and I can’t wait to get stuck in. This is my dream job. I have always wanted to be an action hero and hope to be able to use my gymnastic ability to perform all of Lara’s stunts.”

I apologize for Carroll’s thick British accent in the above quote, let me translate for you:

“My huge boobs and ability to put both legs behind my head and pat my ass like a bongo drum will sell video games to horny, virgin gamers. I hope they let me keep my costume.”

Update: It’s official, the Lara Croft costume that Alison Carroll will wear on tour (as seen above) does indeed look like a hot steamy mess.

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Darby Gunpowder:

Q. What do you get when you mix Catherine Zeta-Jones, Keira Knightly, Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron together in a giant, over-sized blender? (other than a 5-some from heaven)

A. Quadruple homicide.
Watch the video for ensuing bloodbath!!!

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