Derober

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John:
Ok, Bristol Palin didn’t give birth during the Republican National Convention. The bastard birth happened over the weekend and they named the baby Tripp. Bristol released this statement early this afternoon,

My baby eats and poops. Thank you.

No, Bristol, thank you. I’m enclosing a Miley Cyrus gallery because nobody wants to see photos of a pregnant teenager.

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John:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz-bag welcomed their mongoloid son, Bronx, into the world last night. Reports coming in are that Ashlee was disoriented and wanted to know “If it’s a boy or a douchebag.” Turns out it was both according to People,

Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long.
“Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!” a spokesperson tells PEOPLE.

So the first son of Satan has officially been spawned. Get out your crosses and your lamb’s blood, Bronx Mowgli Wentz-bag is here to destroy us
Continue Reading: Wanna’ hear what Ashlee Simpson giving birth sounds like?

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John:
Victoria Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio had a photo shoot yesterday after giving birth to a baby girl in August. How is this even possible? Did the baby weigh 3 oz.? Don’t the doctors like stitch up the vag so you can’t do shit for like 2 weeks anyway? I’m an expert at vagina stuff, people. And what I’m looking at doesn’t seem possible.

Note: I know this had more to do with a diet and exercise program but I like to slip in that I’m a vagina expert whenever possible.

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John:
The luckiest baby on earth has just been crowned. Fox News Reports,

The actress, who gave birth to daughter Valentina in 2007, says she can’t stop breastfeeding.
She said: “I’m like an alcoholic. It is like, I don’t care if I cry, I don’t care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can’t stop.”

Salma’s Addicted? F*ck that. You know whose addicted?- That f*cking baby. If that baby could talk it would say something like,

Where’s my food? Where are my two huge beautiful foods? If that cow doesn’t bring those huge jugs back here and shove them into my teething mouth, somebody is going to get a f*cking beat down, I swear to f*cking God.

Said the baby.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Kim Kardashian is to Wonderwoman what Tom Cruise is to normal. It just doesn’t fit. It’s like trying to cross pollinate my left arm with a toaster oven. Just a hybrid that should never see the light of day. Anyways, it’s Halloween time again boys and girls. That special time of year where scantily clad ladies line up to meet my all my erotic desires. And just in case any of you beautomous babes are wondering what my secret fetish is this year lets just say that Mr. Ed used to be my favorite television show–wink wink. I wish all of you a barely legal and less than safe Happy Halloween. Love and kisses.

The Bitch

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