Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Marisa Miller…bikini…beach. Just brings out the baser instincts I guess. The thing about Miller in this Victoria Secret photo shoot is that she doesn’t suck. Well, other then those clothes she doesn’t. But I like that edge of mystery to Miller. Sometimes when you see all the goods women lose that magical wonder you once had for them. Just ask Lindsay Lohan. It’s like finding out that Santa Clause is not real. Sure you still enjoy opening the presents, but what’s the point if they’re not from that jolly old bastard? But that’s just me spinning my wheels. On a side note does anyone have any full monty photos of Marisa Miller. I’m serious.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
God, when are we going to put a label on that damn launcher. I can never tell front from back. Not unlike my early sexual experiences–somewhere an ex of mine is crying in a mental ward. Anyways, Zac and Vanessa might of gotten away scott free this time but I’ll never forget my early dismantlings of the two on the beaches of Mexico. Good times. I’m sure the couple must be so happy in the wake of the release of Highschool Musical 12 as they strolled down the beaches of Hawaii. If there’s one thing I just can’t get enough of it’s rich celebrities, in love enjoying their day. It’s like sand paper to my nuts. Or gouging out my eyeballs with an icepick. Come to think of it, I don’t enjoy these happy fruit loops at all. I’ve gotta lay off the quailudes and Prozac. Making me soft…

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John:
Swiss Supermodel Michelle Hunziker can’t figure out if she’s playing baseball or soccer. And that’s OK. Frankly, I don’t care if she can’t add or subtract.  It’s all about the title really. Most people are Mr. or Mrs. but Swiss Supermodel is so much better. But that’s just my opinion and the opinion of the entire free world. So take it with a grain of salt.

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John:
Kristen Bell and her ward, Dax, went to the beach to make PDA for the cameras. I’m just spinnin’ my wheels here but does Dax have a tattoo of a barfing dolphin on his arm? It’s probably not but I have a rule of thumb: If you have a tattoo that, from a distance, looks like a barfing dolphin, you don’t deserve to date Kristen Bell. That’s pretty much my only rule and I stick to it with military-like devotion.

Photo credit = Egotastic

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John:
It’s moments like this that call for Insane-O the killer clown car. Christina Ricci and her boyfriend (whose name doesn’t matter) hit the beaches in Malibu yesterday. Ricci is a little spark plug, man. Why is she dating the Vietnam vet? You know that douche has no clue how to pleasure a woman. His idea of foreplay is probably something really pretentious like, “a good dinner and a cigar.” God, I hate this guy. He’s my new sworn enemy. Brace yourself, douchbag Bikini Killer, Ol’ John and Insan-O will be paying you a visit very, very soon.

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