Derober

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Darby Gunpowder
Karolina Kurkova does not have a bellybutton -who knew? I feel your pain Karolina, I’m missing a testicle and the ability to differentiate sarcasm. I would trade my bullybutton for my left nut any day of the week. I’m doin just fine without sarcasm. I don’t think that was meant to be sarcastic..well maybe it was. Shit. I dunno.
What I do know, is that while you are too busy zooming in on Karolina’s belly, you are totally missing Doutzen Kroes’ camel toe next door. Yahtzee!!

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John:
Kim Kardashian went to Miami Beach over the weekend to do whatever it is Kim Kardashian does. I assume that amounts to supersizing a burger and waiting for Reggie Bush to call. Also making an appearance, Kristin Cavallari. Kristin was busy not having any real job whatsoever so Kristin and Kim had lots to talk about as you can imagine.
These girls are all one trick ponies. They know the only way they’re getting any attention is if they strip down in bikinis. I mean, it’s not exactly like you’re gonna’ invite Kim Kardashian to give the commencement speech at Santa Monica community college. That would be a nightmare.

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John:
Anyway, last month, Bono and one of his musician buddies went down to St. Tropez in the south of France for some guy time. While there, they hung out with 19-year olds Andrea Feick and Hannah Emerson. Feick took some photos and posted them on her Facebook. Noticably absent from the photos, Bono’s wife. When asked if the relationship was physical, Feick replied,

“No…God no!’ (she laughed) God no! He’s a friend of mine and that’s pretty much it. I’m not going to get into details, but it’s a small world.”

What the f*ck does that even mean? ‘pretty much’, ‘not going into details’, ’small world’… that’s just word salad. I’ll translate for everybody,

God! We pretty much f*cked the international waters out of each others while my best friend recorded all the details of Bono opening my small world…what a ride!

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Darby Gunpowder:
Thank God I’m in good heart health because these photos of Marissa Miller could be dangerous. My future wife posed in Complex magazine this month and looked flawless as usual. Some of the pics look like she’s in a dungeon or some sort of underground bomb shelter. Looks like someone beat me to my master kidnapping plan.

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John:
After yesterday’s Reid bikini disaster, Tara comes back for more punishment. I guess she figured if she went more colorful this time around it would look better, kinda’ like when people put little top hats on elephants. I know Tara’s all cracked out and doesn’t care anymore and I sorta’ respect her for that. Like, when I’m 90 years old I’m just gonna crap my pants all day ’cause who gives a f*ck, ya’ know. I guess what I’m saying is that Tara Reid is a 90 year-old elephant.

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