5 Tips on how to woo Marisa Miller: By Bob ‘The Bitch’

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This is Marisa Miller in the May issue of Ralph Magazine. Many know her as the blond supermodel who’s graced the pages of nearly every ’sex selling’ magazine known to man. But few know her for another special reason–she’s also my girlfriend. That’s right free world, I’d like to officially announce that Marisa and I are an item. Like peas and carrots we have been in a passionate romance for the past 3 years. But if you are like how I used to be (mangina) then you’re probably wondering how I bagged such a beautimous babe. And in my new tell all book 5 Ways on How to Woo a Beautimous Babe (really a short story with pictures) you will learn from my method. A method I’ve come to call the ‘wear the pants or go home’ method (also accompanied with pictures and SNAKES). So get off your ass and bag that babe with the gravy train with biscuit wheels body today. Just not Marisa Miller…cause that’s my bitch and I own a sawed off shotgun.

Good luck.

Return to i-am-bored.com for more boredom relief or just take a look at Gemma Atkinson without any clothes on here.

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Guess who just took a dump on my day?

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
That’s right campers, everyone’s favorite Hepatitis storage bin Tommy Lee has announced that he and Pamela Anderson are officially living together. Tommy told Rolling Stone magazine,

Pamela and the kids have moved in with me,” said a beaming Tommy Lee. “It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go.

You know there’s only one thing that keeps an ex-rocker coming back to his old ball and chain and that’s a chest full of hand cannons. The kind of jugs that make you rush to the store to buy your own baby bottle just so you imagine a taste of that chesticular goodness.

And FYI, I recommend sticking the nipples of baby bottles into the holes of bowling balls to help make your tit fantasy more authentic.

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Ashley Alexandra Dupre is the hardcore bitch I deserve

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This is what $2,000 an hour could get you. So forget buying your kids a new pair of sneakers, fire your gardener and cancel all your wife’s tennis lessons because Ashley Alexandra Dupree is priority numero uno. I have a new found respect for Elliot Spitzer–I mean come the F#ck on, look at her. This picture of Dupree was taken at the Sea Girt Beach in New Jersey. Mean anything to you? Me neither. Girls like this don’t just give themselves up to guys like me, which is why I suggest that you use every tool at your disposal.

Duct tape might be of use, just FYI.

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I can smell the stink off Amy Winehouse nipple pics

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‘Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve never wanted to avoid a pair of breasts more than I do now. Amy Winehouse’s nipples are a gag fest. They’re only good for milking crack addicts. They should come with a disclaimer that reads ‘these nips can cause sudden involuntary bowel movements, dissy-spells and delusions of Satan driving a big-rig truck’. In addition to the atrocities that are Amy’s boobs, there is a video that one of Amy’s ‘friends’ sent to the media that shows Amy singing a racist jingle for her boyfriend Blake. It’s catchy, in a post apocalyptic sort of way.

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If only I could find some way to impress Megan Fox

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well this is worth a shot. To those friends of mine viewing the after image now all I ask is that you take the fifth with regards to my boom-stick’s girth. And as for you ex-girlfriends…well screw it, say what you want; your opinions carry the same weight as a crumb forever stuck to the bottom of my shoe. The thing about Megan Fox’s body that is so frustrating to me is that I can’t decide which part I like the most. I mean there are her supple, yet refined, breasts that make me question whether a time machine has ever been built and if so is it in fact…her breasts. Then there’s her ass which has an almost dictator-like presence but without the gratuitous ostentatiousness of an ass from a Sir Mix-A-Lot video. And finally there’s her face…just kidding, her legs that say I’m no tree-trunks but I am here to stay. Her body has all the fun of a Chucky Cheese restaurant without any of the shame or regret.

I think she’s the one. But I’ve been wrong…well every time before.

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