Derober

OK, I’ve had enough of this. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines while this strumpet vexes America’s team. I’ve compiled a list of scientifically accurate reasons that Romo should give Simpson the boot …for good.

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#1 Jessica Simpson is a Succubus.

suc·cu·bus Pronunciation Key - [suhk-yuh-buhs]
n. A demon in female form sent to drain the life out of men while they sleep.

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#2 Jessica Simpson is a Liar

Jessica Simpson claims to eat meat, but she actually feeds on the athletic prowess of her victims; their athletic souls. Nick Lachey said,

“Before I married Jess, I could dunk a basketball. I haven’t gotten rim in 5 years.”

Tony Romo says,

My finger hurts

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#3 Jessica Simpson will look like crap in 10 years

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#4 Jessica Simpson Isn’t Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood actually has talent

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#5 Jessica Simpson Looks Like a Garbage Pail Kid

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Continue Reading: 10 Reasons Tony Romo Must Break Up With Jessica Simpson

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Act 1: John leaves, “I had to go get all the hot young ass I could.”

Act II: John returns to marry his bride and plant his seed, a ‘pump n’ dump’

John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. Reports say that Jen issued a marriage ultimatum upon his return. So says The Star,

just a week after Jen and John Mayer reignited their romance, Jen made her move and asked him to marry her!
After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.”

We all know how the 3rd Act ends, kids. Aniston makes a baby. They name him Damien, the spawn of Satan. Damien runs a chain of Dunkin’ Donuts on the Lower East side of Manhattan unit he is called to lead an army of deamons against Jesus and Orthodox Socialists. Jesus and Damien call a truce after 100 years of bloodshed after both Jesus and Damien agree that Damien’s father, John Mayer, is a total douchebag.

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Darby Gunpowder:
It’s true what they say about playing down to someone’s level, not only in sports, but relationships in general. Jessica Simpson’s down syndrome is rubbing off on Tony Romo. The couple is back together again according to the laws of being seen together in public. According to Derober’s biggest rival, Perez Hilton:

“Sources reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that the blonde has spent the past couple of days in Dallas with the Cowboys quarterback.

On Saurday night, the couple - looking “relaxed” but not “lovey dovey” - had dinner together at N9Ne steakhouse.

Then, on Sunday, sources tell us that Tony & Yoko Romo had brunch together at Sneaky Petes in Lewisville, TX.

After galavanting through Chicago recently with beautiful babies, Romo remembered how much he loved motorboating Daisy Duke herself. Who can blame the guy???

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Darby Gunpowder:
Once upon a time, a rogue cupid was on the loose shooting hot chicks with bat-shit laced arrows that started an epidemic called: HCWD (aka hot-chicks-with-douchebags). Historians have pinpointed the source of this wicked outbreak when Shania Twain married Mutt Lang that fateful day in December, 14 years ago. This event, paired with Shania’s super stardom, seemed to open the floodgates for hot chicks everywhere to share sacred sex with douchebags near and far. Alas, an anonymous vigilante, probably Daniel Craig, finally captured the evil cupid and executed him with VX Gas. As if the spell had magically lifted, Shania woke up one morning next to Father Time and simply walked out, proclaiming, “That don’t impress me much.” Boom. Done.
Check out the video below of Shania walking out on Mutt. Incredible!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Jessica Simpson dumped by Tony Romo–take two!! OK, so we’re not sure how many times we will have to report that Tony dumped Jessica. But I’m guessing it will be a cool baker’s dozen. Eventually it will get so bad that every time a cow rips ass in Montana the papz will report that Tony split from Jessica again. Anyways, according to sources one of Romo’s buddies told the press that while drinking in Chicago Romo dissed Jessica’s mating skills and broke up with her over the phone. Another source elaborated on the night,

Tony Romo was in town, and he was bar hopping with some buddies of his from Chicago. He had the nerve to put Jessica on speakerphone and talk about their sex life with all his guys listening and laughing at her. Not only is this girl dumb, but she is completely self conscious about her bedroom skills. After a few too many drinks, he told everyone he and Jessica are over. They are taking a “break.” He could never see himself being serious and marrying this girl. He’s just having fun with her. It’s funny everyone is talking about them getting married when they are completely over. Sorry Jessica, Tony had his fun with you, and now is on to bigger and better things.

Jessica is so gorgeous that for her to be called out in bed she would literally have lie dormant and snore while having sex. And even then I’d let it go. But that’s why I’m in front of a computer and Tony is preparing for another season with the Cowboys.

BTW, in honor of my Indian-a heritage–GO COLTS!

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