Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Leave it to our field reporter Tyrone the tit-loving T-Rex to spot a nip slip from a mile away. Halle Berry’s chocolate gumdrop nipples are about as subtle as a freight train slamming into a pile of glow-in-the dark dildos on a moonless night. I’ll give you a second to let the imagery settle in…..got it…….yeah, just like that. Anyways, I heard Halle once got paid a million dollars to show her tits in the movie Swordfish. But like my Grand Pappy Winston used to tell me, ‘why buy the bull when you can have the sex for free.’ The internet is a wonderful thing isn’t it kids. Look for Halle to nip-slip in a theatre near you when her new movie Frankie and Alice drops. Or do that other thing you do, you know, avoid this movie as if it were an AIDS infected pile of shit. Got it? Good.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Oh, so that’s where my rubber chicken went. Lindsay Lohan’s tits are a natural phenomenon. They’re like Silly Putty. They fluctuate in size, shape, and overall smell depending on the mold of Lindsay’s body frame. Seriously, when Lindsay is in one of her ‘thin-to-win’ phases her boobs look like something I would see in a National Geographic magazine. But when she gets in her current ‘brick house’ phase it looks like she’s toting around two jam filled bowling balls. I don’t know what to think anymore so I’m going to stop trying. But to quote Rocky 4 (the hands down best Rocky), “If I can change…and you can change…..Everybody can change!” I guess that’s the only way to look at Lohan’s can-cans.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know I hate to beat a dead horse on how spectacular Lucy Pinder and Sophie Howard’s breasts are, but damn. However, if you’re going to stick your dick in the mash potatoes why not dip your nuts in a side of gravy? That’s my philosophy. And it has served me well in life.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I think this is what I saw rise to the water’s surface last time I went fishing with dynamite. The mere fact that Playboy would even consider letting Brooke Hogan pose in the nude for them leads me to one of two conclusions: one, that Playboy has gotten so bored of seeing gorgeous girls in the nude that they’ve decided to shake things up with a little butter face photoshoot; or two that Hugh Hefner has literally lost the ability of sight. I doubt it’s the ladder of the two based on his three girlfriends.

I can only imagine how excited Brooke must’ve been to read Playboy’s offer. “They…they think I’m sexy. OMG this is so super-sweet, now I can tell all my classmates that I AM sexy and they will believe me because Playboy wants to shoot me. Bitchin!” Little does Brooke know that in fact, no, her classmates will not believe that she’s hot. They’ll continue to call her ‘Miss Swamp Thing,’ and throw kickballs at her head while she’s crouched in the corner.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Ya know I was wondering where Paris’ accessory chiwawa Tinkerbell was and now I know. I should’ve seen this one coming. Dog heads always make the best breast implants. Our condolences go out to Tinkerbell’s family and friends. We can only provide some consolation by pointing out how wonderful Paris’ juggs do look.

That being said, apparently her boobs weren’t enough to woo over international soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo at the Coco de Ville last night. According to sources,

Every girl in the club was checking [Cristiano] out, but Paris couldn’t take her eyes off him,” a spy told the Daily Mail. “The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.”

“At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.”

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Shockingly, however, the heiress’ affections weren’t returned by the footballer, who gave her the cold shoulder.

“Ronaldo clearly wasn’t interested in Paris,” the Mail’s source says. “He turned his back on her.”

Paris’ rep is denying the incident completely (surprise surprise), but that denial carries about as much weight as paper clip floating in outer space.

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