Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’m going to level with all of you, this news has about as much appeal to me as a mosquito that just acquired AIDS from a African American exchange student. Upsetting? Now you know I how feel. So the big news of the day is that Harry Potter star Emma Watson has just discussed that life after Hermione might involve doing nudity. According to the London Times Emma said about doing a nude scene,

So in 20 years’ time, I can quite easily see her being a brilliant lawyer or civil servant — in a good way, of course — and perhaps she sees it too. “I have enough to hold me together without fame,” she says. “I have a really supportive family and a full life away from Harry Potter. It’s unlikely that I’ll be part of anything this big ever again, so I need to deal with that. I’m not going to take a job just because, shit, I’m not doing anything else.” She still loves acting, naturally — she would even, steady chaps, go nude. “Yes,” she says. “For Bernardo Bertolucci. It . . . depends. I’m not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job.”

Well shit, there goes the planet. I’d get more entertainment watching two antelopes finger bang each other on the discovery channel but if watching 18 year olds with no complexion, tits or ass is your thing then by all means this is cause for celebration. Congrats. Whosa big winna…you awwe you awwe.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know it’s times like this that I wish I had more time. The utter chaos I could cause these two human beings on a daily basis sends shivers down my testis. The good shiver too like the one your feel when you drive your car over the peak of a hilly road, not the kind you get when you jump into a tank full of cold shrimp. We’ve all been there am I right? Anyways, these eerily hot and yet horribly disgusting pics of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were taken on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas. But the only thing more amazing than Heidi’s tits and ass are the amount of opportunities the two have to be killed…by me. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, or robbing your grandma’s antique shop around the corner. I told you G-ma, you better upgrade that security or I’m going to continue to steel sh#t. Just saying. I can’t stop myself.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
OK, Kate Winslet. Well played. You finally made me eat my words. I swore that despite being a good actor I would never view you any differently than a beached whale or Jabba the Hut whorfing down a cheeseburger. I mean sure you would’ve made a great hockey goalie but as for being viewed as a sex symbol I don’t think it was ever in the cards. I’d sooner declare myself the well-hung prince of Persia who loves the outdoors and people rather than I would’ve called you hot. But hear it is, Kate, I’m sorry. You finally don’t look like a giant water tank full of Silly Puddy. You look hot. I don’t know if this was just a personal decision or if Hollywood finally said they were tired of putting you in movies where the lead female was supposed to be NOT fat; whatever it was, mission accomplished. And for those of you who are actually wondering where these photos of Kate were taken it was at the New York premiere of her new film The Reader last night. Touche, Kate. Point you.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Madonna and her glorified chew toy Alex Rodriguez are keeping their affair relationship quiet which is why they spent the week in New York shopping for 60 million dollar homes (as you may have gathered by this point). According to pagesix:
A knowledgeable real estate source tells us the kabbalah-crazed pop queen and the skirt-chasing power hitter are “discreetly looking at properties between Fifth and Park avenues, from just above 60th Street through the 80s.
“Madonna personally came to look at one house a couple of months ago, and Alex has been looking recently,” the insider said. “We’re talking about private, double-width mansions in the vicinity of $30 million to $60 million.”
Madge and A-Rod are also interested in scoring a house “with a garage that you can drive into for additional privacy - although those are rare and hard to come by,” our spy added. Another source said they were also looking in the Hamptons.

I know Madonna is rich and famous, A-Rod. But if you want to experience the sensation only the Madge can give then I suggest sticking your nuts into the blades of a lawn mower or dipping them into cement and then having someone wreck them with a sledge hammer. Much safer alternatives. I wish you all the best, A-Rod, you f#cking idiot.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Sean Penn’s co-star in the biopic Milk, James Franco, basically just opened the closet door wide open for Penn. Franco describes how in the film their initially was supposed to be a brief kiss between Penn (playing gay activist Harvey Milk) and Franco’s characters. It seems Penn had other ideas in mind. According to page six:

“In the original script I read, there was only one real kissing scene,” Franco tells next month’s Elle. “A month after [director] Gus [Van Sant] asked me to do it, they sent me another script, and on Page 5 there was a full-on love scene. And I was like, ‘Gus, what the heck?’ He says, ‘Well, it was Sean’s idea.’ “

And why am I not surprised. You know I understand an actors’ desire to truly get into a character. But there’s good old fashioned acting and then there’s Sean Penn. A man clutching at any excuse to make love to other men both on and off set. I mean c’mon, he married Madonna. That sounds about as legit as a Vanilla Ice hit. Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja, GO!

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