Derober

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Act 1: John leaves, “I had to go get all the hot young ass I could.”

Act II: John returns to marry his bride and plant his seed, a ‘pump n’ dump’

John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. Reports say that Jen issued a marriage ultimatum upon his return. So says The Star,

just a week after Jen and John Mayer reignited their romance, Jen made her move and asked him to marry her!
After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.”

We all know how the 3rd Act ends, kids. Aniston makes a baby. They name him Damien, the spawn of Satan. Damien runs a chain of Dunkin’ Donuts on the Lower East side of Manhattan unit he is called to lead an army of deamons against Jesus and Orthodox Socialists. Jesus and Damien call a truce after 100 years of bloodshed after both Jesus and Damien agree that Damien’s father, John Mayer, is a total douchebag.

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wenz have a shotgun wedding (Perez)
Biggest fake boobs in the world makes record book (Asylum)
Laura Dern will return for next Jurassic Park (Stab)
Lohan is really, really desperate for a job (BedHead)
New Batman poster (Pink)
Joss Stone’s lesbian kiss (Stepfather)
Beckinsale or Marisa Miller? (On205th)

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Dee:
OK! magazine is reporting that NFL bust star, Reggie Bush, is officially engaged to Kim Kardashian. Kim, age 27, and Reggie, age 22, spent their New Year’s Eve together at a family mansion in Miami. This story, however, may be just that..a story, as Kim’s rep has denied the rumor.

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This story is as fake as Reggie Bush’s Hall of Fame aspirations. Can you say BUST!?

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Just hours ago, Reese Witherspoon took her two kids, Ava and Deacon, to California Pizza Kitchen where she goes at least once a week. An employee says of Reese, “She one of the kindest patrons we have.” Tonight, something was rotten in Denmark. Ava seemed upset about something and finally blurted, “I don’t want another mommy.” To which Reese responded, “You’re not getting a new mommy, you’re getting a stepmom.” WTF! Ryan you sneaky bastard. Ryan cheated on Reese with crappy actress Abbie Cornish. But that fizzled until they were seen about town with each other again this August. Apparently, Ryan stuck a promise ring on somebody’s finger. Moral of the story: Remember to break bad news to children at home. Public places have many ears.

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John Writes:
Pamela Anderson got married to Rick Salomon this weekend just one hot minute after separating from Kid Rock. The two married at the Mirage Hotel. Pamela wore a white minidress and Rick wore a black suit with a beanie cap because you can’t spell ‘marriage’ without ‘beanie cap’.

Leo Writes:
Love Pam. Don’t care what she does or who she does it with. Met her once in my dreams and she was a great dancer.

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