Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Do you ever think about how much different certain movies would’ve been had the studios gotten their first pick at the actor playing the lead role? Neo no longer played by Keanu, instead Will Smith. Aragon of LOTR no longer played by Viggo Mortensen, instead Daniel Day Lewis. And so on, and so on.
Hypotheticals like these keep me up nights. However, none were ever so terrifying as hearing that Jumper star Hayden Christiansen was actually slated to be played by rapper Eminem. That’s right, somewhere some asshole in a suit decided that the best person to cast for a sci-fi thriller was now fat man Eminem. Way to always keep the demographics in mind, producers. Hell, while you’re at it why don’t you just recast a couple classics just for shits. Rambo played by Burt Reynolds. Forest Gump played by Vin Diesel. Darth Vader played by Mini-Me. This line of thinking leads me to an unholy place.
Britney Spears is reported to have a new bodyguard and there are rumors he may be carrying a gun. Derober has exclusive footage of Brit’s fat bodyguard* squeezing a few rounds off…wishing it were the paparazzi on the receiving end. This video cracks our shit up for some reason…
*fat guy shooting gun definitely not Brit’s bodyguard for all you sarcastically challenged readers out there
Rapper Eminem, aka Slim Shady, ain’t too slim these days. After a bout of pneumonia over the holidays, Marshall Mathers was released from a Detroit (what!) hospital and his weight has soared to over 200 L-B’s. We won’t see Eminem on Celebrity Fit Club anytime soon as he vows to get back in shape before he really lets himself go. He recently told TMZ,
“I went through a little slacking phase, but I just got back into my regimen last week. So, I eat some nachos, and drink a Mountain Dew, and then I go hit the gym ’cause I just know I F#*@ked up.”
Sounds like a solid plan dipshit -don’t worry about your cholesterol or heart disease.
Remember the days when you used to look up to Britney for her work ethic, fashion sense and metabolism. Those days are dust in the wind. I knew Brit has been binging on Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I had no idea she ate Colonel Sanders himself. Let’s not overlook that whoever made that costume in the first place should be shot on site. Stay home Britney, I’m sick of writing about you and your eff’d up family.
John: Land walker - A machine so enormous in size that it displaces the earth beneath as it moves.
Attention whore, Britney Spears, got ass-fat injected into her lips over the weekend. She then led the paparazzi parade through the Valley before finally stopping for a drum of ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery to cool her swollen lips. Oh yeah, she also ran over a photographer’s foot while distracted, trying to hide her lips.
First of all, who gives a shit. Some people are claiming this is a botched lip job, but honestly has anyone ever seen a lip job that looks good? No. Don’t for a minute let Brit fool you: the lip job is merely a distraction to keep our attention off her weight gain, drug problems, and newly receding hairline.
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