Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Leave it to our field reporter Tyrone the tit-loving T-Rex to spot a nip slip from a mile away. Halle Berry’s chocolate gumdrop nipples are about as subtle as a freight train slamming into a pile of glow-in-the dark dildos on a moonless night. I’ll give you a second to let the imagery settle in…..got it…….yeah, just like that. Anyways, I heard Halle once got paid a million dollars to show her tits in the movie Swordfish. But like my Grand Pappy Winston used to tell me, ‘why buy the bull when you can have the sex for free.’ The internet is a wonderful thing isn’t it kids. Look for Halle to nip-slip in a theatre near you when her new movie Frankie and Alice drops. Or do that other thing you do, you know, avoid this movie as if it were an AIDS infected pile of shit. Got it? Good.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know my Uncle Alfresco once told me you know when a girl is too good for you when you’re willing to eat the corn out of her shit. Uncle Alfresco was a raging alcoholic and a womanizer but damn it if he didn’t speak the truth. Heidi Klum is a force of nature. The kind of intergalactic sex goddess that will make you blow a load in your pants just by talking about the weather. If Heidi farted in front of me I think I would get on my knees and propose to her. True story. Anyways, enjoy these lost outtake photos of Heidi from a 2003 GQ photoshoot. But don’t look too close. Once you’ve seen perfection reality can be a hard pill to swallow.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
OK, Kate Winslet. Well played. You finally made me eat my words. I swore that despite being a good actor I would never view you any differently than a beached whale or Jabba the Hut whorfing down a cheeseburger. I mean sure you would’ve made a great hockey goalie but as for being viewed as a sex symbol I don’t think it was ever in the cards. I’d sooner declare myself the well-hung prince of Persia who loves the outdoors and people rather than I would’ve called you hot. But hear it is, Kate, I’m sorry. You finally don’t look like a giant water tank full of Silly Puddy. You look hot. I don’t know if this was just a personal decision or if Hollywood finally said they were tired of putting you in movies where the lead female was supposed to be NOT fat; whatever it was, mission accomplished. And for those of you who are actually wondering where these photos of Kate were taken it was at the New York premiere of her new film The Reader last night. Touche, Kate. Point you.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Awwee eveebody, wook at da baby boy. I’ll admit with a name like Zuma Nesta Rock how could this baby go wrong? It’s the kind of name that screams, “If my band fails I’m totally down for hardcore porn.” In fact, off the top of my head only Erwin Rommel and Leroy Jenkins are stronger names than Zuma Nesta Rock. So cudos to you Gwen, for being bat-sh#t crazy enough to conjure up a name like that for your own baby; and not just for a stuffed animal you call your imaginary friend.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
There are two constant facts that are irrefutable in this world. One is that cotton candy is the greatest invention since sliced bread. The other is that David Duchovny is perhaps the most bad ass human being ever to walk the streets of Hollywood. But now all of a sudden the world wants to tailor Duchovny’s behavior by stripping him of his sex addiction. Haters, all of you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what Duchovny has is not a disease, it’s a gift. Einstein had the brains, Zeus had the lighting bolts and Duchovny had the balls. But the world became jealous of Duchovny and all that he was able to achieve in a single body and decided that they would take away the single greatest thing about him–his sex addiction. What’s next people…cotton candy? I swear to God in heaven I won’t let you do it. Try it, I f#$king dare you!

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