Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Looks like Derober’s favorite special Olympic couple just got hitched. And how adorable do they look, huh? Like watching two monkeys jack off at the zoo while you slowly peel a banana in front of them. Apparently, ‘The Hills’ stars decided to elope in Mexico over the weekend. And why am I not surprised. Two piles of genetic waist decided that the most fitting place to get married was in the world’s finest waist basket. F#ck off, Paris! No one wants your romantic propaganda when they can get married in a geographical outhouse for free. So kudos to Heidi and Spencer. Your retardation never seizes to amaze me. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to cut off my left ear and down a bottle of Jack and qualudes.

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John:
Heidi and Spencer are not immortalized on the walls of Wofgang Pucks Beverly Hills restaurant, ‘The Cut.’ I swear you’d lose business if those photos were on the walls of a 7-Eleven. I used to eat at the cut every day. I’d get the Tomato Gnocci Broiche with bolognese. True story.
Now I’m taking my business to Jack In the Box where they have some self respect.

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John:
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have taken grocery shopping to new lows. I met Heidi once at a party and do you know what she said to me? She said, “Ok, nice ta’ meecha’ have a happy day.” It was 10pm at the time but I didn’t want to correct her. Heidi was already chewing gum and trying to walk at the same time and I didn’t want to pile too much on her plate. The poor girl’s head might explode.

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John:
Apparently, Heidi Montag is still allowed to make music. Here she is filming ‘Overdosin‘. Lemme guess, it’s a play on the old 80’s workout video? Lemme guess again! Heidi likes one of the boys but can’t get close to him. He’s got a hot girlfriend and they’re exclusive. Heidi is gonna’ get his attention let me tell you. Heidi’s gonna have to win the boy with her incredible dance moves and sultry voice. The video ends when the guy pours gasoline all over himself, lights a match, and shoots himself.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Sphincter Pratt found God and he wants the universe to know about it. Us Weekly reports,

When Mary-Kate Olsen said that he had a bad temper, for example, “my natural Spencer Pratt had to attack,” he says. So he called her the “less cute” twin.
“Heidi’s there going, ‘What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?’” Pratt says. “And I’m like, ‘Jesus gave me these great comebacks.’ And she’s like, ‘No, that’s the devil.’”
Pratt says he now goes to church every Sunday with Montag.
“People are very excited to see me there. They’re like, ‘It’s good you’re here,’ and they’re patting me on the back like, ‘Thank you for being here.’”

I too consider my self slightly religious, but I refuse to have anything in common with Public Enemy #1, so I now have reached a crossroads in my life. Kindly pass the Cool-Aid please.

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