Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
After taking my gaze from Adriana’s eye’s, I noticed her chesticles appear larger than normal -trust me, I would know. I own stock in Victoria’s Secret and was on the Miracle Bra committee. These results are off the charts. I am beginning to think that VS went behind my back to create the Beta version of the UberMiraclest Bra. Bastards.
The only other logical explanation is that Adriana is indeed pregnant. This is not a rumor I am willing to start unless there was a chance it was my love child -and this is not the case…yet.

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John:
Remember when Jerry Seinfeld was dating that 17 year old girl, Shoshanna Lonstein? Well she’s all grows up now. And I mean up and out. Her babies will never go hungry. I’m a boom man, myself and I think anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
My part-time job should be as a boob job consultant. It would be so easy. I’d wear a suit and tie and lean back in my plush leather chair, deep in though, staring at my hot client. Then after 2 minutes I look up and say, “I think you can go bigger.”
I’d be awesome at my part-time job.

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John:
Selma Hayek filmed scenes for her recurring role in 30 Rack Rock. I just made that whole thing up about her not liking the paparazzi. By all accounts she was actually very nice but our editors decided we should stir up controversy whenever we can whether it’s true or not. Fine with me. In other news, Lauren Conrad got in a fist fight with Audrina Partrige when Audrina stole LC’s blow. Oh, and that dog from Beverly Hills Chihuahua was hit by a bus.

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John:
Welcome to another episode of Derober dress diving. Gemma Atkinson, England’s favorite pin-up girl, is special. She was given some gifts and she’s sharing her special gifts with the world. In the article Gemma talks about how she doesn’t ever withhold sex from her soccer-star boyfriend, Marcus Brent, before matches, “There is no pre-match nookie ban.” Jesus. And there you have it. A real humanitarian.

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John:
We call it dress diving. As long as there’s a soft landing, you can’t get hurt. Christina brought out the sweater kittens on Ellen yesterday. Like the rest of America, I just turned the volume down on my TV and played the Scorpions, ‘Rock you Like a Hurricane’ until the segment ended.

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