Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Sean Penn’s co-star in the biopic Milk, James Franco, basically just opened the closet door wide open for Penn. Franco describes how in the film their initially was supposed to be a brief kiss between Penn (playing gay activist Harvey Milk) and Franco’s characters. It seems Penn had other ideas in mind. According to page six:

“In the original script I read, there was only one real kissing scene,” Franco tells next month’s Elle. “A month after [director] Gus [Van Sant] asked me to do it, they sent me another script, and on Page 5 there was a full-on love scene. And I was like, ‘Gus, what the heck?’ He says, ‘Well, it was Sean’s idea.’ “

And why am I not surprised. You know I understand an actors’ desire to truly get into a character. But there’s good old fashioned acting and then there’s Sean Penn. A man clutching at any excuse to make love to other men both on and off set. I mean c’mon, he married Madonna. That sounds about as legit as a Vanilla Ice hit. Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja, GO!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know I’d be all for people going on vacation to have a swell time except for the fact that…oh yeah, I never go on vacations. F@#k vacations! I see pics of Vanessa Hudgens and her tampon Zac Efron and I just want to end them. I’m sure Turks and Caicos, where the two vacationed, are lovely this time of year. But you know what’s even lovelier? Zac’s head on ice and Vanessa’s head mounted on the wall over my fireplace. Needless to say I don’t thrive on positive energy. I’m more of a chamber is half empty kind of a guy.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If you’re like me you sit around in your PJs all day trying to unlock the rubik’s cube that is Hayden Panettiere. You ask questions like ,”How do I get closer to Hayden?,” “does Hayden like men with beer bellies and no IRA account?,” And “will Hayden guzzle down a gallon of Drano if I ask her to?” These are the questions that matter. And I’m proud to say I’ve at least unlocked the secret to a hardcore make-out session with Hayden Panettiere. It goes something like this–be a girl. Or at least trick her into believing you are one. According to Hayden herself she loved to make-out with girls when she was growing up in order to hone in on her skills. Hayden explains,

It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique!”

Hayden forgot to mention social outcasts like me that never get girlfriends and have to learn vicariously through other people…on the internet. It’s almost as good as the real thing. You know like riding a bike and imagining it’s a Ferrari.

God, I hate my life.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well despite my best efforts John Mayer has managed to hook up with another knock-out. According to In Touch magazine, John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are inseparable. John flew in to Miami just this past weekend to visit Jen at her $3,000 a night presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental. For the record John was checked in at the Four Seasons, but spent nearly all his time with Jen. And when asked about his weekend fling with Jennifer in Miami John smiled and said, “My weekend was good.”

Well played John. You bagged one hell of a cougar. Looks like your secret is safe for a little bit longer.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Alright, I know Hilary doesn’t like me spying on her. But it’s only been 3 weeks and she’s already swapping tongues with some jock hockey player. John what’s the douchebag’s name again??

Let it go, Bob

NAME!!!

Mike Comrie, psycho.

Mike. I’ve lost my Hilary to a guy named ‘Mike’. F#%^ing typical!. The mutant also happens to be seven years her senior, so sweet. And based on the photos being taken this morning it looks like the ass-clomping clown slept over at Hilary’s last night. Hil-dog, I know you miss me. We’ve all made mistakes and I forgive you. Come back to me and it will be like it never happened. I miss our paper origami ice-cream sessions. Please…I’ve had the same clothing on for three weeks. I need you back.

Disclaimer:
The content of this rant is one of fabrication. It is not to be taken as a legitimate news source.

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