Derober

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John:
Lindsay Lohan is seen here talking on the phone with nobody, she’s just trying to look busy. Seriously though, Lilo has had a rough couple years but I think Linsday will be back on top in no time. I really do. Why are people laughing? I’m serious. Hey! I said I was serious. Man, you’re lucky she’s not here right now. If Lindsay saw you laughing like this, it would really hurt her feelings.  

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John:
Lohan will become a porker who marries Mini-Me. I saw it in the stars and there is little that can be done. After Lindsay was kicked off the Ugly Betty set, there isn’t much left for her to do except eat and wear moon boots. I don’t know where Lindsay is here but I assume she’s not going to a job of any kind.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Oh, so that’s where my rubber chicken went. Lindsay Lohan’s tits are a natural phenomenon. They’re like Silly Putty. They fluctuate in size, shape, and overall smell depending on the mold of Lindsay’s body frame. Seriously, when Lindsay is in one of her ‘thin-to-win’ phases her boobs look like something I would see in a National Geographic magazine. But when she gets in her current ‘brick house’ phase it looks like she’s toting around two jam filled bowling balls. I don’t know what to think anymore so I’m going to stop trying. But to quote Rocky 4 (the hands down best Rocky), “If I can change…and you can change…..Everybody can change!” I guess that’s the only way to look at Lohan’s can-cans.

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John:
Lindsay Lohan is in Cabo with Samantha Ronson this week doing unholy things to each other. In this side-by-side comparison I’ve put together, you can see that Lindsay has what I call an ass. Ronson, on the other hand, has what is commonly referred to as a dumper. Ronson can barely hold herself upright for Christ sake. Being a lesbian dating a hot girl is soooo hard. Whaaaaaa! She looks like she might fall over and break her self-esteem at any second. This has become a total shit show. Que the reaper.

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John:
Despite having posed for The New Yorker Magazine FOR FREE, Lohan has declined Hef’s offer of $700K to strip down and show the world something we’ve all already seen.
This girl has been parading around LA for a month in nothing but see-through tops. Lohan basically one venereal desease short of hooking on Sunset Blvd. and she’s too good for Playboy? Lindsay, you’re never going to work seriosly in this town again. You’re like Pee-Wee Herman after he got arrested for flashing all those people only there are no second chances. The only second chance you’re getting is a chance to get naked again and get paid for it.

Screw it, I’m done trying to help. Here is Lohan naked. Yes, naked.

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