Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Looks like Derober’s favorite special Olympic couple just got hitched. And how adorable do they look, huh? Like watching two monkeys jack off at the zoo while you slowly peel a banana in front of them. Apparently, ‘The Hills’ stars decided to elope in Mexico over the weekend. And why am I not surprised. Two piles of genetic waist decided that the most fitting place to get married was in the world’s finest waist basket. F#ck off, Paris! No one wants your romantic propaganda when they can get married in a geographical outhouse for free. So kudos to Heidi and Spencer. Your retardation never seizes to amaze me. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to cut off my left ear and down a bottle of Jack and qualudes.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Now few know this about me but despite my general loathing of the world, coupled with my passion for gratuitous explosions, I’m actually a sucker for a beautiful shotgun wedding. I don’t really understand it myself but I think it’s similar to the feeling the wicked witch of the west had for those little monkeys sporting top hats. I mean there just so damn cute, how can you hate? Anyways, over the weekend Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds wed in a private ceremony in Canada. The People reports

Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.
This is the first marriage for both. The couple had announced their engagement in May.

I am sorry I need a moment here…I promised myself..I wouldn’t..cryyy. Ahhh, DAMN THOSE ADORABLE MONKEYS! Damn them to hell. In the words of Socrates, “I want to know what love is…and I want those top-hat wearing monkeys to show me.” Words seared into my soul, indeed.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Samantha Ronson announced that it and Lindsey will be married by Christmas. The Sun reports,

Sam used her DJ slot at top LA hotel and night spot Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson.”
She added: “Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

I can’t say I’m surprised. It seems the ‘God Particle’ was indeed found by those smart people in Switzerland this week. A Black Hole was created and has already started sucking common sense out of the air. Hopefully, it sucks STD’s and Spencer Pratt out next.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Please sit. Lindsey Lohan is supposedly getting married to a little boy, Sam Rosen under the new same-sex marriage law in California. I can see the future True Hollywood Story of Lohan and it will go a little something like this:

Shortly after Lindsey’s acting career dried up, she suffered from a severe case of ‘WFT’. Doctors have only seen rare cases of ‘WTF’ with Britney Spears, Jesse ‘the body’ Ventura, Gary Busey, and Ren & Stimpy. Lohan was delusional. She posed nude for The New Yorker for free when she was dead broke. Further down the spiral, she tried to marry 12 year old boy, Samantha Rosen. As fate would have it, just before the farce ceremony, Lindsay was put out of her misery by the federal government for taking up too much press in an election year. She was a candle in the kiln.

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wenz have a shotgun wedding (Perez)
Biggest fake boobs in the world makes record book (Asylum)
Laura Dern will return for next Jurassic Park (Stab)
Lohan is really, really desperate for a job (BedHead)
New Batman poster (Pink)
Joss Stone’s lesbian kiss (Stepfather)
Beckinsale or Marisa Miller? (On205th)

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