Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
Just another reason I wrote my college thesis on David Letterman. Last night LC appeared on the Late Show and walked right into a bear trap. It’s common knowledge that Letterman loathes reality TV, most notably ‘The Hills’. We learned that when he made a balloon puppet out of Spencer Pratt.

Here are some memorable quotes from the interview/Chinese water torture:

On Lauren Conrad’s constant drama:
“That raises the question, maybe you’re the problem. You think? Let me give you an example from my own life. For a long time–10, 15, 30, 40 years–I thought, ‘Jeez people are idiots.’ And then it occurred to me, ‘Is it possible everyone’s an idiot?’ Maybe I’m the idiot.”

On Spencer Pratt:
“Spencer, what a weasel. He’s just the worst, that guy.”

On Brody Jenner:
“Let me just tell you something about Brody. If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree.”

The cherry on top was when Dave tells Lauren she’s the problem, and she just sits there like a deer in the headlights. She literally has no clue what just hit her -as if there was supposed to be a script to the show!
Speaking of deer, LC and the entire Hills ‘cast’ should go hang out with one…on a busy highway.

Click here to watch the video

Continue Reading: Letterman rips LC a new one

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John:
Anyway, last month, Bono and one of his musician buddies went down to St. Tropez in the south of France for some guy time. While there, they hung out with 19-year olds Andrea Feick and Hannah Emerson. Feick took some photos and posted them on her Facebook. Noticably absent from the photos, Bono’s wife. When asked if the relationship was physical, Feick replied,

“No…God no!’ (she laughed) God no! He’s a friend of mine and that’s pretty much it. I’m not going to get into details, but it’s a small world.”

What the f*ck does that even mean? ‘pretty much’, ‘not going into details’, ’small world’… that’s just word salad. I’ll translate for everybody,

God! We pretty much f*cked the international waters out of each others while my best friend recorded all the details of Bono opening my small world…what a ride!

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John:
Kelly Brook opened her new play “Fat Pig” in London. The Daily Mail called her a “poor actress” but nobody is listening to a word she’s saying, I guarantee. I have no clue how Kelly Brooke got famous so I went to her Wikipedia page. Get this, Wikipedia says,

Her vital statistics is 36DD-26-36.

Translation: She’s famous for her boobs. So there you have it, folks. Case closed on Kelly Brooke.

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John:
Taking her act across the pond, Miley Cyrus turned up in London over the weekend for a performance on BBC The Switch Live on Sunday. The soon-to-be 16-year-old starlet took the stage at the Hammersmith Apollo, performing with a lineup that included Fall Out Boy and Ne-Yo.
I copied and pasted the first two sentences from the Daily Mail so my report would sound ‘newsy’ and informed. Now here is what is really going on in Miley’s life:

Miley is 16 and dating an underwear model = gutterball
Miley is choking down anything with an oblong shape = gutterball
Miley’s dad = gutterball
Miley’s concert ticket price$ = gutterball
Fall Out Boy = gutterball
Miley isn’t dating me = gutterball (but well played)

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John:
What is the Middle East International Film Festival and how much Monopoly money did they give Meg Ryan to show up? I actually like Meg Ryan, the girl-next-door-faked-orgasm is the last thing I think about before I go to bed every night. My mattress is still on the floor by the way. My vertically challenged girlfriend refused to use the step stool I made for her so we had to compromise. Such is life.

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