Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So get this, I’m just walking down Venice beach yesterday with a bottle of Jack in one hand and KY Jelly lube in the other, as I always do, when I bump into to this dame with a rack chiseled by the Gods themselves. I tell her, “My name is Bob, but ladies call me ‘The Bitch’. Would you like to come home with me and check out my collection of Pure Poison Pogs?” She hesitantly nods and then jumps on the chopper with me holding onto my groin for security. We make our way back to my place, play a few rounds of Connect Four and then kick the sex train into full gear. She calls me ‘Bucking Bob’ as I groan like a yeti in heat. Seven or eight hours later we finally stop and collect ourselves over a cup of Scotch and Egg Nog. The girl tells me that her name is Stephanie Seymour and that she used to be a supermodel. The fire place still burning brightly crackles quietly when I look the woman in the eye and whisper into her ear, “you still are…” She smiles, and caresses my thigh. And that was how my Monday afternoon was spent.

The lesson hear ladies, get in touch with me to stay forever young.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Sean Penn’s co-star in the biopic Milk, James Franco, basically just opened the closet door wide open for Penn. Franco describes how in the film their initially was supposed to be a brief kiss between Penn (playing gay activist Harvey Milk) and Franco’s characters. It seems Penn had other ideas in mind. According to page six:

“In the original script I read, there was only one real kissing scene,” Franco tells next month’s Elle. “A month after [director] Gus [Van Sant] asked me to do it, they sent me another script, and on Page 5 there was a full-on love scene. And I was like, ‘Gus, what the heck?’ He says, ‘Well, it was Sean’s idea.’ “

And why am I not surprised. You know I understand an actors’ desire to truly get into a character. But there’s good old fashioned acting and then there’s Sean Penn. A man clutching at any excuse to make love to other men both on and off set. I mean c’mon, he married Madonna. That sounds about as legit as a Vanilla Ice hit. Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja, GO!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
God, when are we going to put a label on that damn launcher. I can never tell front from back. Not unlike my early sexual experiences–somewhere an ex of mine is crying in a mental ward. Anyways, Zac and Vanessa might of gotten away scott free this time but I’ll never forget my early dismantlings of the two on the beaches of Mexico. Good times. I’m sure the couple must be so happy in the wake of the release of Highschool Musical 12 as they strolled down the beaches of Hawaii. If there’s one thing I just can’t get enough of it’s rich celebrities, in love enjoying their day. It’s like sand paper to my nuts. Or gouging out my eyeballs with an icepick. Come to think of it, I don’t enjoy these happy fruit loops at all. I’ve gotta lay off the quailudes and Prozac. Making me soft…

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
In case you hadn’t heard A-Rod is single again. And if you’re one of the richest and most well known playboy athletes in the world what’s the first thing you do? Think about it for a second, I’ll wait. If you answered shower strippers with cash and drink your self in to a incoherent stupor then you’re like me. However, if you’re Alex Rodriguez then you rushed right back to your old fling He-Man Madonna. According to Us Magazine the two were spotted together fueling rumors that their affair isn’t over.

Madonna and New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez took in a cozy dinner for two at Dos Caminos Third Avenue on Tuesday, a source told Usmagazine.com.
They pair ate at an alcove-like table in the back.
“They seemed very close,” a source told Usmagazine.com.

Now, whether the pair is officially back together has yet to be confirmed. But what can be confirmed by Derober is that Madonna is trying to catch and kill John Conner. She has been on the prowl for the last several months and is intent upon bringing an end to all mankind. Don’t believe me? Why not…it’s f@#king Madonna people.

For more proof click here.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well Lindsay Lohan and her special lady friend Samantha Ronson (who reminds me of Pat) were spotted on the beaches of Los Cabos, Mexico. The two played Scrabble, spin the bottle, and discussed whether or not now was a good time to admit they’re gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. My dog is gay, and I love him like the son I’ll never have.

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