Derober

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John:
Jessica Alba is posing for Campari Liquor? For those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure of drinking Campari, I’ll fill you in. It tastes like bitter ass juice. No joke, one time my roommate and I were jonesing for some liquor and Campari was the only thing we had left. I’d never tasted it but my roommate turns to me and says, “We’re gonna’ need some Grapefruit Juice to cut the Campari.”

So there that is. Jessica Alba is selling liquor that tastes so f*cking bad, the only thing that will make it taste better is the worst fruit juice ever made.

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John:
Sophie Monk went to her agent’s office to pick up the script for her next film, Almost Hardcore. I think the title works well here. But is Sophie Monk so popular that she gets hounded at her talent agency? The answer is a resounding NO. Heres how it went down:
Sophie Monk wants the powers-that-be in Hollywood to think she is getting offers to work. So she tipped off the paparazzi and had her agent give her any old script off his shelf, in this case, Almost Hardcore. Surprisingly, she loved the script and was sad to hear that it was already filmed 20 years ago and called for the lead woman to have “a healthy bush.”

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John:
Gwen Stefani could have been a sexy devil/cowgirl/angel/Sarah Palin but instead chose to go as an egg. Lemme’ guess, Gavin was a strip of bacon? This is garbage. It’s clear that Gwen sent her assistant to Target at the last second and they were low on inventory. Gwen told her assistant,

A fucking egg? Really, Marissa? Really? I know this was short notice but do I look like an egg to you? Screw, it. Just give it to me. This party is gonna’ suck anyway. (Gwen chokes down 2 vicodins). Gav! Gav! Get off the XBox and get in the goddam car!

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John:
While promoting High School Musical 3 yesterday, Hudgens was asked again about her shady past. And by shady past, I’m referring to the time she took a bunch of naked photos and sent them to an old-as-balls studio exec,

“I think that everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t take back anything I’ve done,” she says. “I don’t like talking about it because it was something that was meant to be private and I’d still like to keep it as private as I can.”

OK, Vanessa, let’s have a chat

So you wouldn’t take it back, huh? Really? Um, I hate to be a stickler for the past here but… remember that opology you issued where you said you wished you regret every having taken those photos?

“I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me. I am embarrassed over this situation and regret having ever taken these photos.”

One more time for the homies in the back,

I…regret having ever taken these photos

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Act 1: John leaves, “I had to go get all the hot young ass I could.”

Act II: John returns to marry his bride and plant his seed, a ‘pump n’ dump’

John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. Reports say that Jen issued a marriage ultimatum upon his return. So says The Star,

just a week after Jen and John Mayer reignited their romance, Jen made her move and asked him to marry her!
After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.”

We all know how the 3rd Act ends, kids. Aniston makes a baby. They name him Damien, the spawn of Satan. Damien runs a chain of Dunkin’ Donuts on the Lower East side of Manhattan unit he is called to lead an army of deamons against Jesus and Orthodox Socialists. Jesus and Damien call a truce after 100 years of bloodshed after both Jesus and Damien agree that Damien’s father, John Mayer, is a total douchebag.

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