Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So get this, I’m just walking down Venice beach yesterday with a bottle of Jack in one hand and KY Jelly lube in the other, as I always do, when I bump into to this dame with a rack chiseled by the Gods themselves. I tell her, “My name is Bob, but ladies call me ‘The Bitch’. Would you like to come home with me and check out my collection of Pure Poison Pogs?” She hesitantly nods and then jumps on the chopper with me holding onto my groin for security. We make our way back to my place, play a few rounds of Connect Four and then kick the sex train into full gear. She calls me ‘Bucking Bob’ as I groan like a yeti in heat. Seven or eight hours later we finally stop and collect ourselves over a cup of Scotch and Egg Nog. The girl tells me that her name is Stephanie Seymour and that she used to be a supermodel. The fire place still burning brightly crackles quietly when I look the woman in the eye and whisper into her ear, “you still are…” She smiles, and caresses my thigh. And that was how my Monday afternoon was spent.

The lesson hear ladies, get in touch with me to stay forever young.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know my Uncle Alfresco once told me you know when a girl is too good for you when you’re willing to eat the corn out of her shit. Uncle Alfresco was a raging alcoholic and a womanizer but damn it if he didn’t speak the truth. Heidi Klum is a force of nature. The kind of intergalactic sex goddess that will make you blow a load in your pants just by talking about the weather. If Heidi farted in front of me I think I would get on my knees and propose to her. True story. Anyways, enjoy these lost outtake photos of Heidi from a 2003 GQ photoshoot. But don’t look too close. Once you’ve seen perfection reality can be a hard pill to swallow.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I would like to go on record saying that Carmen Electra is not human. There is no way a mere mortal could still look to be in their prime at 36. It just doesn’t work like that. My vote is that she has her own cryogenic chamber that she freezes herself in every night. That or she eats the souls of little children. Either way foul play is afoot. But damn is it a wonder to behold this sex demon on the cover of Playboy’s 55th anniversary. It’s like biting into a steak for the first time or opening up your first slinky while on acid. Breathtaking.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know it’s times like this that I wish I had more time. The utter chaos I could cause these two human beings on a daily basis sends shivers down my testis. The good shiver too like the one your feel when you drive your car over the peak of a hilly road, not the kind you get when you jump into a tank full of cold shrimp. We’ve all been there am I right? Anyways, these eerily hot and yet horribly disgusting pics of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were taken on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas. But the only thing more amazing than Heidi’s tits and ass are the amount of opportunities the two have to be killed…by me. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, or robbing your grandma’s antique shop around the corner. I told you G-ma, you better upgrade that security or I’m going to continue to steel sh#t. Just saying. I can’t stop myself.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Although this is a little too much fabric for my tastes, Katy Perry still looks purty darn sexy in her latest FHM shoot. I still have no idea how/when this chick came on to the scene because, well, I don’t pay attention to celebrities. I heard she sings a song about scissoring, or eating box, or something. I bet it’s a real hum-dinger. Keep up the good work Katy, hope to see your downward spiral on E! True Hollywood story by Christmas.

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