Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
My Gran Pappy Winston MJ. McCormick used to tell me as a young boy, “Women of that beauty are always worth paying attention to–but by God, Bitch, that doesn’t mean they’re worth listening to.” Of course, however, he was pointing to a stray cow at the time. But his words never left me none the less. So if you want to take a look at Nicole Scherzinger in this months issue of FHM, by all means do. But in the wake of a great man’s wisdom save yourself the trouble and avert your eyes from the evil temptress’ words. Godspeed fellas.

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John:
Christina Aguilera stepped out with her kid to show the world her new post-pregnancy body. I posted a boner when I saw these. Oh, that was immature - sooo sorry. It’s like midnight here and I’ve been chasing shots of Jack Daniels with breast milk Diet Coke all night. Welcome to Derober where we chase our liquor with breast milk and diet soda. I defy you to find a bigger lot of badasses.

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John:
Let’s face it, Vanessa Hudgens is a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Any girl who poses nude in her teens to try to grab the attention of some old dude should be awarded the Silver Staff of Aethelwine. And by ‘Silver Staff of Aethelwine’ I mean ‘my penis.’ God I love this chick. You could invite her to a no-pants party and she’d be the first arrival… 2 days early.

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John:
Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty are in Italy right now getting all gross on the beach. Noticeably absent from this photo is Balthazar’s wife and kids. When finally reached for comment Balky’s wife Rosetta denied the reports,

That’s not possible. Balthazar is tracking a Yeti in the Himalaya’s and doesn’t get cell service there so I’m not supposed to call. Oh, you have pictures? In that case, let me get my Beretta.

I might have stretched that last part a bit. Rosetta actually did comment and said she was “humiliated” but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it as a man tracking Bigfoot does.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’
I’m a man of my word. Really when I see an ass like this I normally roll around the grass on my back begging for biscuits. But a closer examination of these pics reveals that Kristen Bell is being accompanied by a giant bag of douche. Ex Punk-er and former hemorrhoid Dax Shepard can be seen groping Bell’s ass in a manner that spoils my morning hangover. I just wanted to revel in my own self-loathing in peace but no, now I have to be reminded why Kristen Bell’s ass will never be mine.

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